Recap: Season 1 Episode 9 FINALE – Who’s Zoomin’ Who?

March 12, 2022 by Torran

In which a whole bunch of healthcare professionals get syphilis.

Dr Webber's personal assistant is stood in front of a group of doctors holding a banana and a condom — *“I know you all know this, and can only assume I’m being asked to do this as a joke.”*

Previously on Grey’s Anatomy: Meredith and Derek are in a relationship with “hot” sex; Meredith doesn’t know enough about Derek! Derek and Burke were both promised Richard’s job when he retires! Burke and Christina have also been having hot sex, and now she’s pregnant and getting an abortion! George is a fragile man-baby who went out with a hot nurse because Meredith doesn’t love him back! Meredith’s famous surgeon mother has Alzheimer’s and no one else knows!

“That’s the problem with secrets. Like misery, they love company. They pile up and up until they take over everything. Until you don’t have room for anything else. Until you’re so full of secrets, you feel like you’re going to burst.

Finale time! Following our previously, we learn our theme of the episode appears to be secrets which, yeah, seems accurate – and we’ll be putting up a secret counter this episode just to count ’em as they become relevant because there’s quite a few. For starters – George is naked in the bathroom, with a book helpfully entitled “Rashes, Hives and Skin Eruptions”. He clearly has something wrong with him. Izzie wants into the bathroom, and queries what’s taking so long, before determining that he’s having some “personal time”. He’s naturally indignant – he has a girlfriend now, after all, and she’s definitely not imaginary! – but still. Izzie is amused by the notion and shares it with Meredith in front of George, which just makes him happier (read: more annoyed).

Meredith picks the phone up to the nursing home who are calling in relation to something undisclosed. She gets them to call back, but not before this has awoken Derek who asks who was on the phone. She lies and says it was a wrong number, which gives our first official secret! Secret counter: 1. Derek is also receiving phone calls, but this is one he refuses to pick up, and he’s not giving any information away as to who it is, and that’s probably enough to bump our counter up. Secret counter: 2.

Over in the hospital, Christina is re-emphasising that she doesn’t want to come in for counselling or to discuss her options, she’s made her decision to terminate on the 16th. Burke walks over to discuss that he paged her last night, but she wasn’t on-call. It turns out he paged her because he wanted to see her and doesn’t have her home phone number so it was his only way of getting in touch. PSA: if you’re sleeping with someone regularly, get their phone number so you don’t have to rely on a workplace system to get in touch! She almost tells him something, but bottles it. Secret counter: 3

George is discussing their night with Olivia (red-headed nurse!), who had a really great time – and so, apparently did he, which is nice. However, he is decidedly not feeling okay today, which he downplays as feeling a little “itchy”; she however feels fine. He’s not come out and said whatever it is, but clearly judging from the book earlier and the way he was fully naked and looking down while reading it, he has a STI. He’s on the verge of talking about this further when we get Izzie Interuptus, and Olivia scarpers.

Izzie is happy to find out he really does have a girlfriend, which is nice. She accepts that he wasn’t playing with himself in there (sidenote: why would you do that in your bathroom instead of your bedroom anyway?!), but then asks what he was doing in there for so long. I’ve never seen a man exit a conversation so quickly! Secret counter: 4 Karev is performing the manly task of trimming his nose hair when George enters in a rush and asks him for help – he needs Alex to confirm what STI he has. After a minute of staring at his crotch, Alex confirms it, it’s the syph. Cue titles!

*If everyone behaves like this all the time in the hospital it’s no wonder half the staff have syphilis.*

Burke has decided he’s a GUM doctor today, which is… interesting. He’s got Alex and George doing a cystoscopy on an old friend of his. Chatting with his buddy (and said friend’s very pregnant wife) while a camera scope is up his penis heading into his bladder should definitely be more awkward than this! But there is a mass there and they’re going to biopsy it. I’m honestly mostly surprised that Burke has friends. In the first bit of non-genital medicine of the episode, Webber and Bailey are operating while Grey observes, but Webber is having some difficulty suturing. Given he’s complaining about the lights too, we sense something is wrong.

Izzie and Christina are treating a patient whose body shape could be describe fairly accurately as “upside-down canoe” – his abdomen is ballooning out from his body quite unnaturally. His wife and his daughter have been trying to get him to come in, but he refused until now. It’s not that he’s fat, this change in shape came on too quickly. The daughter is singularly unimpressed and seems mostly bothered about how much this is going to cost them – there’s clearly some beef here.

George has done a blood test on himself to confirm his diagnosis – we also meet a Surly Blood Test Lab Guy who I’m sure (no real spoiler) recurs at some point. Before he can yell “sharing patient information unnecessarily is a HIPAA violation”, not that he should need to, Izzie grabs the results out of his hand. She’s puzzled that he’s treating someone for syphilis considering it’s not surgical. He yanks her into the nurse’s station and (after her exclamation of “YOU HAVE SYPHILIS?!”, closes the door and blinds out of embarrassment.

George doesn’t know how this happened, which Izzie takes as an opportunity to slut-shame Olivia for some reason. He insists she’s not like that, but Izzie dials back on the slut-shame a little by noting that it’s the new millennium – everyone is like that except for apparently George. He’s then offended by not being seen as a stud, which I’m sure everyone at home finds as funny as Izzie and I do. She goes right back into laying into Olivia – “stop sleeping with her unless you want that thing to fall off” – when asked what he should do about telling her. At least he does defend Olivia this time. At the end of the day he has to tell her, whether she gave it to him or not, so she can get tested.

Back in Bailey and Webber’s surgery, he’s handed a retractor and it flies right out of his hand. He recognises there’s something wrong with him, maybe his eyes, and recuses himself from the surgery, asking Bailey to finish. Derek, who is conveniently watching from the gallery, and Meredith are both clearly concerned, as no doubt is Bailey. Also concerned is George, who in radiology is waiting for the results of a scan of Burke’s friend to come through. Karev being the douche he is is winding George up about who gave him the syphilis, but George refuses to tell. When asked if he’s had something like this before, Alex notes that he never talks about his penis with other men, because he is in full-on asshole mode today.

Christina and Izzie have diagnosed their patient and the news is that he has fluid in his abdomen. His breathing difficulties are being caused by that pressing up against his lungs. It’s all secondary to what looks like liver disease. This makes sense to the daughter, who is sat making caustic comments from the end of the bed – the guy admits to “drinking a bit”, which she calls “the understatement of the year”. She’s only here to support her mother, because her father has a history of… something, maybe abuse? Either way, she feels she needs to be there for her mother to protect her in some way.

Burke’s friend’s results are up, and there’s definitely a mass protruding into his bladder, it doesn’t look like a tumour. Karev jokes that it looks like an ovary, which Burke flips out at – given it’s his friend, he wants this taken seriously. That’s when George returns with the results of the biopsy. They’ve done a chromosomal analysis of the tissue, and it actually is an ovary. Which… sure! That does happen, but (I’m pretty sure) it means he was born with it, it’s not a new growth. Burke is a dumbfounded.

Doctor Burke stares in confusion through the window at his friend. — *“Can I still bully him and call him a girl if he has an ovary? How do I factor this information into my hyper-masculine view of the world?”*

Bailey appears to be in a good mood today! Or it might be that she’s too worried about Webber to handhold the interns – she green lights their plan of treatment for our alcoholic patient, and tells them to do one better than scheduling the fluid drain and go ahead and do it themselves instead. See one, do one, teach one – we’ve heard it before and believe me we’re going to hear that a lot over the years. Izzie hasn’t seen one, but Christina has, so Izzie is about to!

Alex and George are heading down the stairs discussing their patient’s ovary (Alex being Alex makes a joke about “metrosexuality” which makes me want to push him down the stairs) when they run into Olivia. Karev makes a remark about being “invisible” when she doesn’t greet him, and when she does it’s hostile, so he’s clearly pissed all woman in the vicinity off at some point. He heads out and Olivia takes the opportunity to basically jump George. Unfortunately, he has to tell her, and no time like the present. Being George, he first manages to imply that he’s breaking up with her, or that she’s a slut or a prostitute, before saying he likes her a lot and then finally breaks mid-kiss to tell her he has syphilis. Awkward.

Richard is in his office (with his “best doctor” awards, because that’s a thing?) nursing a headache. Shepherd comes in, concerned after what happened in surgery earlier. Richard explains his symptoms and says his ophthalmologist explained it as ageing, but he’s concerned it could be something else entirely. Not mentioned: if it is just his eyesight going due to age, he can wave goodbye to his career. Shepherd agrees to set up some tests, and they’re going to keep it very quiet. Secret counter: 5

Do you know the story of Typhoid Mary? Well, welcome to the story of Syphilis George! Alex is explaining how syphilis is somehow a good thing (“now they’ll see you as a player”) when he turns up at the cafeteria, only to be met with a new nickname – “syph boy”. Izzie told Christina, but Christina notes that gossip travels FTL anyway at the hospital, confirmed when Meredith asks how he’s feeling. George is mortified, but Alex notes everyone has secrets; at least George’s is out in the open. Asked about his by Christina, Alex offers to share if she will. Izzie insists she has nothing to hide – bank that obvious lie for a later episode – but Meredith agrees that everyone has something to hide.

Burke heads in to tell his friend Bill that the mass isn’t a tumour, but the situation is complicated. He appears to have merged with his twin in utero, and some of his cells belong to his female twin – hence the ovary. Burke has gotten over his discomfort and reassures his friend that he’s no less of a man, it’s a quirk of nature, it’s going to be removed, and he can reassure his wife he’s going to be fine. He never knew the ovary was there, and he won’t miss it when it’s gone. It’s no big deal.

Speaking of manly men (just kidding), we cut to George and a Giant Needle. It’s penicillin time, Dr Syph! Apparently this has to be injected into his butt, and we start with Alex administering it before a total lack of boundaries and privacy lead to first Meredith taking over, then Izzie walking in, then Christina walking in. But at least he has a cute butt… like a baby’s. They have officially broken his spirit and I do actually feel a little bad for him, but it’s still a funny moment.

Izzie, Christina and Meredith stand around in a treatment room laughing — *“Alright Angels, your mission is to break the spirit of one Dr George O’Malley…”*

After all the hilarity, Meredith is finally taking that call from her mother’s home – there’s a family dinner that they’d like her to attend. She promises to try to be there, but I’m predicting right now she won’t make it, not least because she’s still keeping her mother’s condition a secret. Webber’s secret also remains intact, and he’s on his way to get a CT when he’s interrupted by his assistant – something’s come up.

That something? Syphilis! 3 interns, 4 residents and 6 nurses in this one department has syphilis! His assistant Patricia walks the team of HIGHLY TRAINED MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS through the symptoms, potential long-term effects, and how to prevent syphilis (complete with condom and banana), and all I can think is “they all know this, why on earth does it need explaining, just tell them to be more damn careful”. It’s a good opportunity for Webber to go get his MRI while everyone else is busy in this lecture, though, so off he goes to get his brain looked at.

The sheer volume of people having unprotected sex with each other in this hospital is ridiculous! There’s a large line of people getting blood tests for syphilis. Christina is in the line because she’s a responsible human, when she’s comes across Burke. They each determine they’re not having sex with anybody else, and exit the line. I will point out they should probably get an STI screen anyway because it’s a responsible thing to do before you start having unprotected sex with someone, but maybe they already did, who knows? Izzie encounters Christina and jokes that at least neither of them need to be in the line because they’re not getting any and hey, there goes our secret counter again! Secret counter: 6

Time for the fluid drain on their alcoholic patient, and the fluid coming out is bloody. That is a Bad Sign, I expect. The fluid clears up, though, as its draining out. Here’s hoping it’s not that bad of a sign, but I’m unconvinced. Moving away from bad signs and into full-on bad, we get Webber’s MRI results – he has a tumour pressing on his optic nerve. it’s operable, although it’s risky (it is brain surgery after all). Webber still wants this kept under wraps, which… sure, not sure how you’ll manage that given you’ll need to be in recovery and all afterwards. He wants the surgery tonight, so it’s full speed ahead, and it looks like Grey’s in on it.

Back to fluid drain guy and he’s apparently coded while they were draining his fluid. What the heck, is he not on a monitor or something?! The Ghost of Commercials Past interrupts us as they start the code, and we return to find out that boom, he’s dead. No warning. Izzie is convinced they did something wrong, but Christina is adamant they were fine, and Bailey agrees – it wasn’t their fault, he had no history of heart problems. The problem for Christina and Izzie is there’s no autopsy – the family doesn’t want one. Our interns desperately want to know what killed this guy.

Bailey’s also in on the Special Super Secret Silent Sunset Surgery aka de-tumour Richard Webber. Shepherd is a bit nervous given he’ll ruin Webber’s career if he messes it up. More nervous is Meredith, who needs to know if she needs to be in syph line, but Shepherd is reassuring – he has no time if nothing else to see anyone else, and they’re “practically a condom ad”. We’re all amused as she stipulates that she wants no more glow in the dark ones (please, more glow in the dark ones, that’s hilarious). They do agree on making some rules for their relationship, though. Just as Derek yet again gets a mysterious phone call he refuses to pick up.

Alex Karev is looking up at Dr Burke over his friend (who is on the operating table) while the gynaeologist speaks to them — *“Look I don’t get the opportunity to do oopherectomies on men very often, so be quiet and let me enjoy the moment, okay?”*

Over in Burke’s friend’s surgery, and the gynaecologist takes a moment before announcing a startling discovery. Having an ovary wouldn’t necessarily make Bill sterile, but his vas deferens is blind – in short, not connected to his testes. He’s been shooting blanks his whole life, so his wife being due in five weeks is, ah, a little suspect. George asks the question everyone in the room is thinking – who got his wife pregnant? Of course none of them jump to the “kind” conclusion, which is that Bill and his wife were aware his sperm count was zero, and either harvested sperm or used donor sperm. Burke is uninterested in the opinions of George or Alex afterwards, though – it’s his own moral dilemma as to whether to tell Bill.

Izzie and Christina are trying to talk the family of our dead patient into an autopsy, but the daughter wants this to be over. She’s not interested in knowing why – she already knows, as far as she’s concerned he drank himself to death, and put her and her mother through hell while doing it. The mother is on the side of the autopsy, but the daughter is insistent. She doesn’t care if her father would’ve wanted the autopsy, either. Case closed.

Over in the Bed Corridor, Izzie is trying to talk Christina into performing an autopsy anyway. How very Burke and Hare! Ultimately the threat of being known as the new 007 is enough for Christina, who agrees. Secret counter: 007 The rules of fight club are invoked. The interns are trying to find a way to do it without Bailey being around, and Meredith lets on that she won’t be around during the surgery she definitely can’t talk about – but does give them a time window.

It’s a beautiful night to save eyesight, and the team are assembled for Webber – the gallery is locked and everything. Webber is trying to run everything while strapped to a gurney, because hey, he is the chief still. Doctors do make the worst patients. But they have him covered, and put him out so they can remove the tumour. Izzie and Christina don’t need to put their patient out, because he’s already dead and yes, they have stolen his body. Christina brought a textbook, because it’s been a while since either has done an autopsy. Yes, that is me cackling you can hear in the distance.

Webber’s surgery is over, and they’re talking about his prognosis. There’s a chance his optic nerve is damaged, and if it is, he’ll be permanently blind. This is heavy stuff, people! Bailey asks Meredith to page Izzie and Christina to cover her patients so she can stay with Webber, and that’s where the secrets come back to bite them. Bailey is a human lie detector and takes all of about 2 seconds to work out what they’re doing.

Over to Burke, who is confronting Bill’s wife about the fact that she’s been lying to her husband about their baby. She argues that it’s personal to their relationship, but Burke is having none of it. She’s betrayed his friend, and he thinks he has a right to know. This will blow their life up, and they both know it. He has to draw a line here, and the truth is that as Bill’s doctor, Burke has to tell him he’s sterile and always has been. I broadly agree with this, to be honest; I don’t see how ethically you could make any other decision, although I’m not a doctor.

Remember how I said earlier I bet that Meredith wouldn’t make it to the family dinner at the home? Anyone who put money up against me, your money’s due. She can’t (she has to monitor the chief). The worker at the home compounds Meredith’s misery by saying that Ellis could actually remember who she was today. You can see this information land with Meredith and how it throws her for a loop; this is unexpected.Just then Derek walks over and remarks on the number of secret phone calls, and Meredith finally confides in him about her mother’s Alzheimer’s. He’s there for her, and it’s very sweet. It’s also in outside Webber’s room, and he is waking up! The good news: he can see. The bad news: the first thing he sees is an intimate moment between Derek and Meredith. Guess that cat’s out of the bag! Secret counter: 9

Bailey is doing a Classic Bailey and ranting at Christina and Izzie, not without reason – what they’re doing is irresponsible but also Highly Illegal, and it could have serious consequences for Bailey too! It is a ridiculous thing for them to be doing. However, she’s stopped in her tracks when they show her his oversized heart full of a grainy material. They want to run some tests, which causes the Rage-o-meter to head back to the red zone. But their argument – what could it hurt at this point, at least they’ll get some answers – does hold some sway, for reasons unknown.

Webber’s fully awake and Meredith knows he can see (not least because he calls her by name). He also tells her she’s making a mistake dating an attending. Speaking of mistakes, it turns out Izzie and Christina’s body-snatching adventures had a good outcome. The father might have been an alcoholic, but his heart problem was caused by a blood condition, and the daughter might have it too – she needs testing for it. They get the authorisation for the autopsy signed off retroactively, by virtue of possibly having saved the daughter’s life. And no one is being sued. Hurray?

The problem with secrets is, even when you think you’re in control, you’re not.

To the wrap up of season 1, and many of our secrets have been unveiled. Still a few more to come, though. Burke tells Bill that he’s sterile and he is, understandably, upset. Olivia tells George that she was seeing Alex when they first started dating, and, well… Yeah, Alex indirectly gave George syphilis! Cue punching! They break the fight up, but George did get a good couple in there. Derek and Meredith are heading off for a steak and a bottle of wine, when he sees a hot redhead and immediately apologises. This is a bombshell in more ways than one – introducing Addison Shepherd, the phone call Derek has been refusing to pick up. Derek’s wife. “And you must be the woman who’s been screwing my husband”. AND WE’RE DONE.

Sum it up

Wow. The last minute of this episode really saves it from mediocrity. The basic premise of the episode – that secrets are bad – is a well-established theme in TV, film and life generally, let’s be honest. It doesn’t even go into the grey areas – for example, I think Olivia probably could’ve kept the fact that she was seeing Alex previously a secret without any issues down the line. The patients, other than Bill and Webber, were pretty uneventful. Bill posed more of a medically interesting story with some ethical dilemma thrown in, but ultimately resolved themselves how we’d expect. Christina’s is the Keeper of Secrets at the end of this season, with her relationship with Burke and her pregnancy still fully under wraps. Meredith had the most personal growth here, confiding in Derek and defending her relationship to Webber, except making herself this vulnerable has backfired spectacularly at the end of the episode with the introduction of Addison. Overall rating: 7/10 (without the Addison reveal – 6/10)

Hero of the Episode: Oh god. Absolutely no one. But if I had to pick, Burke, for choosing to do the right thing as a doctor, even though maybe as a friend he would’ve chosen differently.

Zero of the Episode: It’s hard to choose between the interns performing illegal autopsies and the dude lying about being married, but ultimately it HAS to be Derek.

Literally Incredible: Did I mention the whole illegal autopsy thing? It’s a federal crime! Too stupid for anyone to realistically do, even though it makes for good drama.

Season Hero: Tie between Derek Shepherd, Izzie Stevens and Preston Burke with 2 apiece.

Season Zero: The blockhead that is Alex Karev, with 3 votes, (2 more than anyone else)

Now that we’ve completed Season 1 (in a mad scramble), new episode recaps will be dropping regularly every Tuesday and Friday. This project is obviously new, so all constructive criticism welcome in the comments, via Twitter, however you feel like communicating. If you are enjoying this and you have other Grey’s Anatomy friends in your life, I encourage you to share this with them. I hope you enjoyed Season 1! Only [an indeterminate number] left to go!

Recap: Season 1 Episode 8 – Save Me

March 10, 2022 by Torran

In which we enjoy the delights of psychically-enhanced cupcakes.

George is looking down at a half-eaten cupcake. — *“I said be creative, okay, but there are some things that really don’t belong in a cupcake and ipecac is one of them.”*

“Eventually, you grow up. One day, you open your eyes, and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is, it’s hard to let go of that fairytale entirely.“

No previously this week, so we’re straight into domestic life in Chez Intern. Izzie is trying to figure out her mum’s cupcake recipe and has been doing a moderately insane amount of baking to test out various things to make it work, to no avail. George insists the cakes are good (Izzie scenes are all making me hungry at this point, it’s true), but she’s insistent that they’re missing something and she can’t figure out what. And she absolutely refuses to call her mother to ask. Meredith wants to spend the night at Derek’s, partly so she can snoop through his stuff, and also because she isn’t convinced that he has one.

Shepherd has spent enough time at the House of Interns that they now know his breakfast habits – he’s been there a week solid. Also, ew, muesli. This isn’t just a jokey thing, I suspect the lack of things she knows about him is going to bite them this episode by the way they’re teeing it up against the voiceover about Prince Charming being a fairytale, even though you keep hoping.

Following the pregnancy tests at the end of the last episode we get confirmation that Christina is pregnant, and she’s planning to exercise her legal right to choose not to be. They’re trying to sort a time for her to come in when the doctor proffers other options, but Christina has zero interest in them. She’s getting an abortion on the 16th.

Cut to Devo, our young patient who you might recognise as the Potential Slayer Amanda from Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 7 (spoiler: not the last Buffy alum we’ll see on the show). She’s being treated by Alex and Burke after she wouldn’t stop bleeding after a root canal. She had an infection and a fever, the infection has been treated but she still has a heart murmur. Devo is a snarky delight, annoyed by her name (“my parents did too much blow”), her parents and having to be there. She prefers the name Esther, and after some initial mocking of her long long skirt, reveals herself to be an orthodox Jew. Either way, Burke and Karev are tasked with finding out what’s up with her.

Over in Insensitivity Corner, Christina and Meredith are loudly discussing the case of a patient who was committed to Psych. More specifically, they’re arguing that Psych are trying to a dump this patient on them, whereas the very annoying doctor from Psych is insistent that what the guy is having are seizures. It should be noted that the patient can indeed hear them at all times. He’s a study in creepy, and he definitely IS having seizures… but he may also be seeing the future, correctly predicting a patient “checking out” on the fourth floor. Cheery stuff, then. Cue titles!

*Apparently the psychic patient knows exactly where you’ll end up. Ask him instead of singing this song.*

Meredith is grilling Derek on his life, in that she’d like to know ANYTHING about him other than the fact that he’s from New York and likes ferry boats. Who are his friends? Where does he live? Any information besides the size of his… scrub caps. He’s reluctant to provide any information and yeah, it’s shady as hell. He says she’ll find these things out in time, but until she does, she’s instituting a sex ban. Which I actually think is reasonable – you should know more than a person’s shoe size if they’re frequently inside both you and your house.

I will just note though it’s not like she’s clued him in on the whole thing with her mother, so, she’s not entirely devoid of secret squirrels.

Our young Jewish patient, who we’ll call Esther rather than Devo for the avoidance of confusion, needs a heart valve replacement, for reasons they haven’t explained but I assume is due to the heart murmur. She also has a condition called von Willebrand disease, which is a clotting disorder. That means she can’t have a mechanical valve, so Burke is recommending a porcine valve. Yep, that’s porcine as in pork. We the audience can predict a problem coming.

Bailey and Izzie are performing a biopsy on a patient, who is awake and commenting on the idea that there’s a psychic in the hospital, who correctly predicted a death. Man, gossip travels fast in this hospital! Bailey shuts it down, but not before Izzie can helpfully note that the ICU is on the fourth floor, and people die all the time there. Definitely a great thing to say to a patient you’re currently cutting into, Izzie, well done! She definitely has a bug up her ass about psychic guy though.

Derek has a patient who appears to be having some sort of neural/spinal thing going on. He’s in a C collar, and can’t feel his legs below the thigh or wiggle his toes. What’s worse – he COULD wiggle his toes about 10 minutes previously. Whatever is happening is progressing, and quickly. There’s no evidence of damage on the spinal X-rays, but he did take a small fall while rock climbing. Derek clearly has no idea what’s up with him, so he’s sending him for an MRI, along with Meredith who he has randomly decided is with him for this patient, like that’s not a weird abuse of power.

We’ve gone from Insensitivity Corner to Incompetency Corner, where George is showing off his inability to perform under pressure. The patient needs intubation, and it’s a tricky one. Karev offers to step in and do it, but George is insistent he can do it. Needless to say, he can’t, and Burke has to step in and complete it after our bumbling intern threads the tube down his oesophagus instead of his trachea. Whoops. Burke does take the time to give a quick refresher lesson though, so hopefully it sinks in!

Yang has our Seizure Seer solo now that Meredith has been pulled away, and is sufficiently annoyed at him that she actually hisses at one point. He thinks it’s hot, rather than a fire-able offence. She is able to show him that he has brain activity consistent with epilepsy – not visions, just seizures. Unsurprisingly he is not convinced of this fact. As she tells him she wants to order an MRI, he goes ahead and has a seizure… and then somehow knows she’s pregnant. Alright, so officially getting spooky! He also tells her she “can’t run away from it”, which is just… what?

Christina can’t leave quick enough, and she wants off this patient, yesterday. Izzie reckons she “knows the type”, clearly some history there explaining the bug up her ass, and (with some bribery thrown in) the two get Bailey to agree to switch their assignments. Christina’s new assignment is the biopsy patient from earlier, who it turns out has breast cancer. Oh, also she’s pregnant. Out of the frying pan, Yang…

Christina Yang stares past the camera, with an expression of disbelief on her face — *“Alright, whoever is putting fertility hormones into the water of Seattle must be stopped. Nurse, get me Erin Brockovich!”*

Our favourite Neurologist and his favourite intern/sex partner/person not to tell intimate details of his life to are looking at the MRI for the paralysis patient, and are surprised to find precisely no physical reason for his symptoms. Well, Derek is surprised. Grey is snippy and flippant, and resumes harassing him for details about himself. She throws a series of questions at him, receiving just one answer – he has no grandparents. He refuses to answer by way of just walking out, advising her to “lighten up” as he does. Thin ice, my friend, thin ice.

Over to our pregnant patient with breast cancer, and treatment options are being discussed. The best option – for the health and survival of the mother – is surgery, chemotherapy, radiation AND drugs. Very much the “kill it with fire” approach. The worst part of this is that the cancer is highly invasive and hormones during pregnancy will only make it develop quicker. There’s no way this treatment is compatible with the survival of her baby. Christina delivers this like a robot, much to Bailey’s disappointment. Bailey lays it out – a decision has to be made. Met with bluntness from the patient, she offers it in return – yes, it’s a case of the baby’s life, or the mother’s.

Back to our mystery paralysis patient, and his symptoms are worsening. He now can’t move his legs at all, and the paralysis is moving very quickly. Meredith is probing, looking for psychological reasons that may be responsible for this. It could be psychosomatic, and Derek is considering it, but skeptical. At that point everyone’s favourite psychic enters the cubicle – no wonder everyone in the hospital is bloody talking about him – to let the guy know that “it’s not in his head”. More scans coming for this patient, but is it all in his head? TBC.

I have to do a quick PSA before the next block. The storyline about the transplantation of a porcine heart valve into a Jewish patient being considered not kosher was widely panned by Orthodox Jewish organisations in America when the episode came out. It seems a better conclusion to this would have been to have her actually call a rabbi, who would’ve explained that it’s fine. However, Grey’s opted for the dramatic (as you’ll see later on). I’m not Jewish and I’m not going to try and explain it, but I will link to this article which does a great job of demystifying it! And now, back to our recap!

Esther’s parents are talking to her about the porcine valve replacement, and she is having none of it. As far as she’s concerned, her parents might just as well have asked her to eat a beef, cheese, bacon and prawn sandwich. We get into the root of her disagreement with her parents – they’re reform Jews who aren’t particularly observant or knowledgeable about the Torah (sidenote: Alex Karev mumbling trying to list the Passover plagues is particularly amusing background during this scene). Burke tries to convince her, but she’s not budging. She wants a different procedure, and she doesn’t care what it is – they’ll have to work it out.

Psychic man is getting an MRI and attempting to flirt with Izzie. He really is delusional. He does however manage to hit the nail on the head – he’s looking at her, but all he wants is a cupcake. And then he goes on to describe pretty much exactly the ones she made that morning! Alright so let’s just accept he is somehow psychic, I think we’re going to have to roll with that one. She’s convinced there’s another explanation – she has chocolate on her still, or someone told him about them. Either way, she’s out to prove him a fraud.

The interns have gathered for a quick (and apparently unappetising) bite of lunch. Meredith is grossed out by the food and hightails it while Karev pauses to needle George about failing to intubate the patient earlier. George begins a rant about how he could’ve managed it, only for Christina to cut him off. He needs to get laid. There’s a cute nurse over there, ask her out. The subtext: please for the love of God go stop bothering us all. Karev suggests he goes to see the psychic, which in turn sets Izzie off. With just Izzie and George left, he again suggests she call her mother – it’s her mum’s birthday, after all. But Izzie won’t, for reasons still unknown.

Izzie glares at someone off-screen. — *“Mention my mother again and you won’t need to freshen up your gonads, because I will have removed them.”*

Christina’s breast cancer patient is talking at her about the pregnancy dilemma, which you can imagine Christina REALLY wants to hear about. Lol, JK – Christina has her resting “robot” face on while taking blood. The patient is 47 and pregnant via natural means which yes, is sort of a miracle. They’d given up on having a kid after years of trying, but then one magical evening… you get the idea. The patients wants validation as to why this decision is not an easy one, but she’ll not get that from Yang. There’s no dilemma or sympathy as far as Christina’s concerned – have the baby and you’ll definitely die while the baby is very young, have the treatment and you’ll probably live. It’s that simple.

Our paralysis patient has now lost all feeling in his hands; things are getting dicier. With the rate of progression, Derek makes a gut call – he’s going to operate. He’s convinced there’s a clot in there somewhere and he will find it. Meredith is incredulous. Derek’s whole reasoning is that he’s trusting his instincts – “sometimes you gotta take a chance to save a life”. The subtext has all the subtlety of a brick – she needs to take a chance on him. Excuse me, I need a moment to recover from being hit over the head with that so hard.

It’s patient round-up time! Esther is deteriorating fast, and Alex can’t talk her into the porcine valve. She does talk him through the pull of Orthodoxy for her though – it’s a contrast to the vapid, sex-obsessed youth culture of today. Which, sure, I guess. Have you noticed how good he is with patients who are kids though? It’s a nice change. Our psychic patient has an AVM (blood vessel malformation in the brain) which needs surgery. Izzie is basically like “give me the tools we will do it now” but Bailey slows her down – protocol, etc. Still, he is getting the surgery. Bailey takes a moment to call her out on getting too involved with her patients, which is a very fair criticism.

Derek and Meredith are starting their operation on spine guy, but not without some misgivings from Meredith. There’s no proof there’s anything there TO remove. But Derek has a 10+ years of experience in the field and he’s convinced it’s a spinal haematoma – left untreated it will likely kill the patient. Meredith does get time in to utter a “wow” at seeing her first spine. Decidedly not “wow”-ing, though, is Christina’s patient. She’s clearly upset, but has elected to terminate the pregnancy and get the treatment. Bailey talks Christina through the abortion procedure, clearly upset on behalf of the patient.

Karev is in research mode, which I never thought I’d see. George asks how an asshole like Karev manages to get laid, which is a fair question (let’s be real – it’s because he’s pretty). After finding what he was looking for – a bovine xenograph – he gives George advice which basically amounts to “stop overthinking about it and just ask them out”. Which is actually good advice, so fair one. George just looks puzzled, which is also fair, because Karev wraps it in a weird boxing analogy before declaring himself “the Ali of this place”.

We’re back with Esther, and Karev walks in like the cat who just discovered a rare surgical alternative to the porcine valve replacement. Esther is praying, which naturally he takes time to mock, because while good with kids he is in fact still an asshole. Thank God Esther isn’t taking any of his crap. Karev takes the time to loudly announce this new surgical alternative to Esther and her parents, which thrills them. Unfortunately Burke walks in partway through, and promptly takes Alex outside to verbally flagellate him. Hey, maybe tell the doctor in question what experimental and new procedure you’d like to suggest, rather than just announce it to the patients as The Plan! He’s off the case, because he’s an idiot.

Karev patronisingly explains something to a patient, off-screen. — “This might surprise you, not having a medical degree, but it turns out there are other barnyard animals besides pigs! Did you know that cows exist? And apparently there are these things called sheep!”

Over to psychic guy, who needs to sign the consent forms for his surgery. He’s reluctant to get the surgery, though. She explains the risks, but also states clearly that his visions are definitely seizures. He questions how sure she is about that, and she hits back trying to prove him a fraud, again, talking about methods he could use to read people. She accuses him of not only knowing he’s having seizures, but milking it. For what gain, Iz? He’s blithely unconcerned by her certainty, anyway, calling her “cricket”, which throws her for a loop. Spooky spooky.

Christina comes back to perform a pelvic exam ahead of the abortion, only to be met by a patient who appears to be about 20 times happier than she was a brief time ago. She’s changed her mind. No treatment, she’s having the baby. Christina tries to talk her out of it, but the lady’s not for turning. After all, there’s no guarantee she’ll survive even if she has the treatment. Christina wants to call a psych consult, but is told not to bother. The patient knows what she’s doing and what she wants – this way, she gets to be fat, and happy, and have a baby. Christina tries to tell her that if she wants to live, she needs the procedure, but the patient is clear – this is exactly what living is, to her. *sniff*

Burke and Christina touch base in an on-call room. She’s exhausted, and he’s stressed. The bovine valve surgery is much more complicated and he doesn’t know what to do. She brings him right back down to earth though – there are solutions, people he can consult, help he can get. This is solveable. The subtext – that her problems, and the problems of her patient, maybe aren’t, he’s completely oblivious to, because she hasn’t told him she’s pregnant.

Meredith and Derek are still searching for the clot in paralysis guy’s spine, but can’t find it. It’s been four hours and still nothing. Meredith suggests maybe it’s a different spinal cord injury, but Derek is insistent – there’s a clot. As they’re talking, the patient begins to deteriorate, and this is more urgent than ever. Also urgent is the patient George gets pulled in to help with by the cute redhead nurse from earlier. She needs intubation! He’s on it, follow’s Burke’s advice from earlier, and (with Burke looking on through a window), nails it first time (and impresses the nurse!). Nice work, George!

Clearly inspired by the way he taught George, Burke grabs Karev and tells him he’s scrubbing in, although he’s not forgiven for being a blockhead. He’s also responsible for getting Esther a rabbi to bless her before surgery. You have to ask if one’s already in the building and working his mojo on Derek’s patient, because he has just found the mystery clot! Meredith is astounded and probably a little bit turned on. We get a nice graphic close up for some reason. Derek is exuberant, and rightly so. The patient will hopefully be fine. He also wants to talk about their relationship – specifically, he wants to actually call it a “relationship”. He wants her to believe that, but she tells him to show her something to make her believe.

Christina and our breast cancer patient have one final chat when she drops off the discharge papers. She tries to get Christina to understand the decision she’s making, but she doesn’t, at all. This patient is willing to die for the sake of her unborn child. Christina is not. On the flip side of the “choosing to live” coin, our psychic guy is finally convinced he’s having seizures – and he’s convinced he just saw that “it’s about to be over”. This finally elicits some sympathy for him from Izzie, who reassures him that they know what they’re doing – he’s going to live. But it’s not living he’s worried about; he thinks he’s going to lose his visions. Fully softened, Izzie tells him that if they’re real, he has to believe he’ll still have them after surgery. The main thing is that he does decide to have the surgery, and live.

Esther is being blessed by a rabbi in the OR, before being put under. There’s another surgeon attending via videolink who is an expert in bovine valve replacements, so Burke clearly took Christina’s advice! Hurray. After this (we assume) the interns gather in what I’m naming the Bed Corridor to discuss their day. Meredith is beating herself up over trying to talk Derek out of the clot surgery, which prompts Karev to tell her she basically tried to kill the guy (and Christina to call HIM an ass, because of course). George strolls in announcing he has a hot date, presumably with the nurse! That was quick. Even quicker – he grabs a condom from Alex in anticipation.

Izzie gets round to discussing psychic guy, who has had his surgery. After some discussion about whether or not he was psychic, she finally open up about her backstory and why he bothered her so much. We were fairly sure she didn’t come from money, but she’s actually from a trailer park, waiting tables to put herself through college. Except her mum was always calling high-tariff psychic lines, so all the money went to paying off those bills. Hence, leaving at 18, modelling to pay for school, and never looking back. Psychic guy has said things, though, that have challenged her scepticism, and made her wonder.

“It’s not so important that it’s happy ever after. Just that it’s happy right now.

We’re into wrap-up mode now, and spinal guy is recovering! His wife and kids are there with him, and he’s starting to regain sensation. He can even move a finger now! That’s awesome. He thanks her for believing in him, which I reckon makes her feel about 18 different types of garbage. Psychic guy tells Izzie the secret to her mum’s cupcakes! Christina sees her patient leave. Esther asks Alex if her heart beats, or moos, which made me properly laugh. Izzie finally calls her mum – “cricket”, as it turns out, was her mum’s nickname for her. Derek takes Meredith to see where he lives, which turns out to be a trailer in a huge plot of land he owns, and finally volunteers a load of information about himself. Irish heritage, four sisters, 9 nieces, 5 nephews, favourite colour, hobby, the works. She’s happy. Sex, we presume, finally ensues.

Sum it up

Right. One of the weaker episodes this one. Thematically vague and doesn’t really move the story along. Everyone was on a different plotline and they didn’t tie together well. Individually the patient stories were… okay, I guess? Spinal guy was just a McGuffin. Psychic guy was interesting but has basically established that in the universe of the show psychic people do exist – there was no ambiguity left. Christina’s patient was an interesting contrast considering the pregnancy, but she had no business being that much of a bitch to her. Esther was great as a character, but inaccurate (see earlier PSA). Meredith’s point about not knowing enough about Derek rings true, but should’ve been handled better by them. Learning about Izzie’s background was the main highlight; Alex just demonstrated that he’s a blockhead, repeatedly, and I’m unconvinced by George “moving on”. Overall rating: 6/10

Hero of the Episode: None of them. But if I’m forced to pick one? Burke, for teaching George to intubate and agreeing to perform the bovine valve transplant despite Alex being an idiot.

Zero of the Episode: Probably Christina. No treating patients like crap. Bad, Christina, bad.

Literally Incredible: The whole porcine valves aren’t kosher thing, which turns out to be quite literally not credible. Deary me.

Did you like this episode? Hate it? Just want to tell me how much my writing sucks? Leave a comment below with your rating and what you thought overall! Alternatively, you can let me know on Twitter!

Recap: Season 1 Episode 7 – The Self-Destruct Button

March 9, 2022 by Torran

In which a drunk person is allowed to practice medicine on a child.

An anaesthesiologist has his back to the camera, adjusting the dial on a complicated-looking machine. — *“I just can’t get this thing to grind my coffee beans to the right consistency…”*

Previously on Grey’s Anatomy: George is in love with Meredith, and everyone knows it. Alex knows Meredith is seeing someone, and told George this! Bailey is annoyed because she ALSO knows it, knows that it’s Derek she’s seeing, and knows the interns are going to be mad as hell when they find out! Yang and Burke are having sex, and Christina refuses to talk about what their relationship is! Bailey tells Derek if she spots any favouritism Meredith will be banned from the OR for a month!

If life’s so hard already, why do we bring more trouble down on ourselves? What’s up with the need to hit the self-destruct button?

No one has gotten any sleep, that seems to be our opening thesis. Derek is sneaking out of Meredith’s house after a night of sex, which apparently was loud enough to keep everyone up! Clearly either Derek has improved in bed, or Meredith is an excellent actor. George and Izzie are commiserating over coffee while also trying to sneak a glimpse of the man in question. Uh-oh. Yep, they’ve found out it’s McDreamy, and they are exactly as pissed as you’d expect – he’s all of their boss, as Izzie points out. She thinks there’s favouritism involved; George doesn’t, but the fact that she kept it a secret isn’t helping. Neither is her immediate lie when asked if she was sleeping with anyone they know.

Karev is apparently the only one awake after a morning job; Christina is wiped out too thanks to the flu. This all translates to some full-on hostility in the locker room at the hospital, with a particularly catty remark from Izzie about warning her the next time so she can get a hotel room and get some sleep. Christina queries (when she and Meredith are alone) if they know it’s Derek keeping them up at night. The prospect is not a good one; Meredith (correctly) surmises they’ll think she’s getting special treatment.

George, Alex and Christina are immediately told to go to the clinic; Izzie’s with Bailey for the day. After some caustic comments about Meredith having had a late night, Bailey commences loading her with work, starting with a patient complaining of stomach issues, but followed by a long list of other tasks. I think we can see how this one is going to go – a mountain of unpleasantness looms for Meredith Grey, because Bailey is aware she hasn’t broken it off with Shepherd. Izzie gets the walk-in – a man who swallowed his girlfriend’s keys to prevent her from leaving. Right, then.

Our stomach pain patient has a fever, a lot of pain in her stomach following her trip to Mexico, and also a pain in her ass (a very overbearing mother). She passed out in the shower that morning, and both her folks are worried. The girl is obviously reluctant to be examined or looked at, insisting that she’s fine. It takes Meredith shooing the parents away to get the girl to consent to be looked at.

On their way through to the clinic, Christina and Alex pick up a gunshot wound case! They immediately pull out all the stops, because when you’re in a country where gun violence is a real problem, I imagine you have rather strict protocols in place to deal with it. However it turns out the patient in question, Digby, “scheduled” it. He gets his friend to shoot him for fun in non-lethal ways, because he likes the scars. What. On. Earth. Cue titles!

The titlecard for Grey's Anatomy — *Would you rather be shot in the arm, or have to watch these titles on loop for three hours? I think I’d go for the gunshot*.

We’re immediately back with Digby, who appears to have been shot in the arm through the eye of a skull tattoo he has. His bullet wounds are “his art”, or so he claims, and it requires commitment. Yang describes it as stupid – the bullet went all the way through the arm and bounced off the guy’s ribs. He still has another bullet in his shoulder for some reason. He and Alex get their macho bonding on over various Stoicisms about enduring pain, as well as being wrestlers from Iowa, and both Christina and I are seized with a need to puke.

Meredith’s patient is in definite pain, and when she reluctantly lifts her shirt, we see why – she’s had surgery, and recently, in Mexico in order to avoid her parents finding out. She doesn’t want Meredith letting her parents know. George also has a young patient, but this one is still in diapers – a young girl with a persistent twitch to the foot due to a brain abnormality. The symptoms have worsened since their last visit to a different hospital, so they’ve come to Seattle Grace to get a proper diagnosis and hopefully some treatment. I’m not sure it counts as an episode of Grey’s if there isn’t at least one patient death and I am petrified it’s going to be this kid.

Naturally, it’s a neuro case, so George is going to be forced to work with his new archnemesis on this adorable little cherub, but he does hold it together enough to deliver a double-edged response to the worried parents – Dr Shepherd is good, yes. At just about everything. Oh George, it’s okay, we’re pretty sure he was awful back in episode 1!

The keys have been located in Boyfriend of the Year’s anatomy, so Izzie gets to perform a solo bronchoscopy to get them. Gushing aside, she’s right, she does seem to have been putting more meaningful work in than the other interns, but that might just be because she’s had the B plot more or less solo for a few episodes running. Bailey checks in with Meredith who has handled the Mountain of Work assigned her, and they discuss her main 17yo patient’s mystery surgery. They’ll know more after CT, and in the meantime, a secondary Mountain of Work is thrown at Meredith, who is determined to prove she can handle it.

It is a veritable battle of wills! Speaking of willpower, Christina is trying to beat the flu by sheer power of will, and only manages to convince Burke he might have it too.

After another bitching session with Izzie about Meredith and Derek, George heads into Shepherd’s OR to consult him about his tiny tiny patient. The anaesthesiologist walks in and yes, as a helpful second member of staff points out, that is indeed bourbon on the guy’s breath. But it’s fine, because he does it all the time, it’s how he copes, and it’s not an issue unless he can’t do his crossword. Seriously. George has to get new scans from the kid, which he agrees to order, with a side of snark.

It’s time for everyone’s medical secrets to be revealed by the magic of imaging! They’ve found bullet guy’s old bullet, which doesn’t need removing (but does remind Burke and Bailey that they’ve met him before). Meredith’s patient’s secret is out too – she went to Mexico and had a gastric bypass done (stomach stapling). The girl isn’t overweight, so why is a mystery, but it’s been botched and it’s infectious and needs surgery. Her parents are a study in middle-class shitty – the dad is a weak-willed guy who doesn’t know his daughter; the mother is a high-pressure power woman who fat-shamed their daughter at Christmas. The situation is bad enough that Claire, our patient, may never recover fully.

The overbearing mother of a patient gazes out of a window while the father and Dr Meredith Grey look on. — *“You don’t notice she’s gaining weight, but you didn’t have to kill ANOTHER 100 Dalmatians to make a coat for her after the old one became 1/2 an inch too small!”*

We’re still unsure where we stand with Derek’s tiny patient, who is definitely having seizures down one side. She now needs an MRI, which George is grumbling about given Derek asked for CT, but agrees to get. Meanwhile the kid starts having a big seizure down one side, and Shepherd reveals why everyone is in love with him. You can’t possibly hate the guy who takes the effort to be this good with a tiny kid. Captain O’Malley of the Spaceship MRI is going to have to accept Derek isn’t a bad guy, and he’s not happy about it.

Quick patient round-up: Izzie’s patient and his ex-girlfriend are still arguing about their relationship while Izzie tries to work out how to remove the keys! Bullet guy, who we learn is Digby, a) knows Burke well enough to know that his hobby is playing the trumpet, b) is running a fever (apparently due to the physiological stress of getting shot, which I can believe) and c) needs a chest tube to remove the blood from his collapsed lung. Unsurprisingly, he wants to watch. Claire, our gastric bypass-ed young adult, doesn’t want the surgery to reverse it – she wants to be thin, because that’s what her mum is focused on. Her parents do the right thing, the wrong way: she’s having the surgery because they say so, without even trying to persuade her.

Back to the tiny human, and it’s mixed news – literally half of her brain is dying. But don’t get your tissues out just yet, because Derek Shepherd just pulled his gigantic balls out from his trousers and showed them off to the parents. He wants to cut out the diseased half of her brain. While there are risks, because she’s so young her brain will compensate. She’ll more or less lead a normal life! Bananas. George (after some snippiness) is asked to scrub in, to which he agrees – he tells Yang he’s excited except for the whole “hating Derek” thing, which leads Christina to let on that she also knows about Derek. He and Izzie are flabbergasted that Christina isn’t annoyed, but she lays it out to them – Meredith works hard, she’s good at her job, and it’s her private life – why should it matter to anyone else?

That’s what they do to get through the day, but George is also concerned about Dr McDrunkFace, and asks the question – should he do anything or tell anyone? YES, George, you big dummy. Go tell Chief Webber and let him know. Go tell Bailey! Tell them you smelled bourbon on his breath and that another member of staff when asked said it was common knowledge. Do it nooooow.

Reader, he did not.

Meredith and Bailey are operating on Claire’s colon, which is highly infected and swollen. Over the patient’s abdomen, they discuss the Meredith/Derek relationship, which Bailey clearly disproves of. Meredith is in absolutely zero mood to explain herself. Her private life is her own, even if half the hospital knows about it. She will take the mountain of work Bailey throws at her, all the hoops she’s made to jump through, but she won’t allow her private life to be a casualty of her job. Which I would understand if it were just some rando she’s dating but Meredith. Come on girl. He’s your boss. He’s Bailey’s boss. He’s a hot-shot surgeon. You KNEW this would be a problem! The infected colon saves me from ranting at the screen by exploding pus all over her face. Ha.

Dr Bailey looks past the camera during surgery at Meredith Grey. — *“Okay, we need to visualise the infection. Move close to the infected region, and squeeze it… hard…”*

George’s dilemma catches up with him quickly. Dr Taylor aka the drunk anaesthesiologist is in the Very Young Patient’s surgery, and George smells booze on his breath again. As the adorable little girl is being put under, he asks Taylor if he’s been drinking, and Shepherd is right there. For reasons absolutely frigging no one understands, Shepherd sides with Taylor when he denies it, and kicks George out of the OR, despite the fact that there’s a patient on the table. Even if the patient was 80, it would make no odds, but this is a 2 year old! No hemispherectomy for you, George. Should’ve gone to the chief earlier.

Boyfriend of the Millenium is having the keys removed. His ex is ranting at him endlessly while Izzie manipulates the scope down his throat. Unfortunately the trying to argue back and stress has caused him to inhale the keys further down. After a bit of work and soothing, out the keys come! And the ranting and arguing begins again. Exasperated, Izzie finally snaps and suggests the lady leaves with her keys. She may never find her car, but at least she’s out of there. Why Izzie thought that having her there would calm the situation, we will never know.

The big row between Meredith and Izzie finally erupts, while Meredith still smells like (literal) crap. Izzie is convinced it’s karma, the argument ramps up, and Bailey walks in to get someone to replace George in Shepherd’s surgery. Yang has the flu, Izzie’s there and ready to go, though. Bailey says “Grey” and Izzie hits the roof, accusing her basically of sleeping with Derek in return for favourable treatment. Bailey sends Yang despite the flu, breaking up the verbal fight between Izzie and Meredith when the former storms out, and the look on her face says it all. Not content with that, she then verbally says it all. Damn.

There is a lot of Tegan and Sara in these early episodes, isn’t there? As two young lesbians riff about who you might get off with, it’s patient round up time! We visit Alex and Burke, who think Digby might have a secondary source of infection. Then immediately we cut to the hemispherectomy. Yang is in place, and watching Dr Taylor like a hawk, as is emo-style George from the gallery. Meredith explains the complications of Claire’s surgery to her parents – she’ll live, but nutrition is going to be a lifelong problem. The mum seems mostly annoyed by the impact this will have on her, because she sucks, and Meredith goes off at her, because professionalism isn’t a thing at SGH. This does however get the dad, a man I previously assumed had donated his spine to science, to prove me wrong and tell his wife to shut up. Yay?

Digby is in full-blown sepsis, judging by everything we can see. The source of the infection? A spider tattoo that is so swollen, it looks like it could crawl off and come get you. He didn’t say anything because of his whole Stoicism, pain is good ideology. Stupid. Antibiotics time for him. The hemispherectomy is going well – Yang knows her stuff – but there’s a problem. Our drunken physician has fallen asleep and the patient is waking up. Cue dramatic pause and fade to black (the ghosts of commercial breaks gone by!). Shepherd accuses him of being drunk and kicks him out of the OR, acknowledging that George was right.

Remember earlier when I said I wasn’t sure if it’s a proper episode of Grey’s if no one dies? Well hold onto your holsters. Digby is in real trouble here, the infection has spread, his organs are failing and he’s crashed. Burke and Karev are fighting to save him. The hemispherectomy, on the other hand, has ended well (yay!). Christina marvels at the self-healing properties of the OR (she no longer feels sick). Derek still feels tired, but admits that during surgery, there’s a sense of unreality that masks things like tiredness and sickness. Finished, he signals George and finally explains – doctors aren’t supposed to ask each other questions like “have you been drinking?”. But it’s a bad system, and George was right. He’s sorry.

Dr Shepherd and George shake hands. George is looking down at their clasped hands with a look of dismay. — *“I don’t care how many times you scrubbed, Dr Shepherd, I **heard** exactly where those hands have been.”*

They finish on a handshake, but not before Shepherd confirms it – George saw him leave that morning. He feels he owes George an explanation here, too. He’s not using Meredith, and he’s not giving her any special treatment. But they both agree, she’s pretty great. They go off to give the little girl’s parents the good news, while Meredith breaks the news to Claire. Claire is just happy that she isn’t going to get fat; still groggy from surgery, the explanation probably doesn’t fully take hold. What does take hold is that Meredith is referring her family to social services so they can get the help they need. Life isn’t supposed to be this hard, says Meredith, and I wholly agree. This is a Good Responsible Healthcare Professional Move and it is telling that I am surprised by that!

Digby is our dead patient of the episode, and you can tell that Alex is a little shaken by it. They share some of the same ethos about taking the pain making you stronger, as well as both being former Iowa wrestlers. Izzie is also feeling some feelings, and her method of coping is (of course it is) baking. She offers Meredith some cake, baked choc full of love. Or, full of unrelenting all-consuming rage and hostility, but that apparently doesn’t affect the taste.

They discuss things frankly, and Izzie lets on her own background and her own self-consciousness about being perceived as not good enough. She’s enraged that Meredith is throwing away all her privilege and respect for surgeries, or hot sex. After denials of those reasons, she finally twigs that it’s not about professional advancement or hot sex, Meredith is falling for Derek, and it’s a Problem, because the feelings are getting in the way of doing what would be best for her career (ending their relationship). Oh dear. Meredith gets sympathy cake, Izzie gets some schadenfreude and juicy sex details. We all get to laugh.

“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know. Maybe we just wouldn’t feel real.

We finish on a montage with some big story points! Karev is working out his feelings about Digby on a rowing mean, but quickly gets frustrated – it’s not helping. We see the tiny girl apparently doing great after her surgery, which I mean, thank god. Burke goes to look after Christina given how ill she was feeling, but she’s not in the on-call room – she’s in the bathroom. It’s not the flu, folks. After two pregnancy tests, it looks like she’s pregnant(!) and she does NOT look happy about it (we don’t see the lines, but I mean, who takes a pregnancy test and looks exasperated when they’re NOT pregnant if we don’t see them trying beforehand?!). Meredith and Derek have reached a point in their relationship where they can just sleep.

Sum it up

Another decent one! A bit loose thematically, though. The A plot is arguably the mess around Derek/Meredith, and everyone got in on that. It’s causing professional pain for the both of them (but mostly for Meredith). We now know that the reason she’s continuing this despite all of that is because she can’t help herself, she has real feelings for Derek. Somewhere, the world’s tiniest violin, etc etc. Alex is today’s B plot, where he has his macho sensibilities checked again with the very visible consequences of the “no pain, no gain” ethos. Sometimes smashing yourself with a hammer is just smashing yourself with a hammer, and it might just kill you. Our patients this week were decent, with the decision to refer Claire and her family to social services a particular high point. And what a bombshell at the end (which I’ll admit is what saved it from a 6/10)! Overall rating: 7/10

Hero of the Episode: Derek “look at the size of my balls” Shepherd, saving that girl’s life and also just being adorable throughout.

Zero of the Episode: ~~Cruella De Ville~~ Claire’s mum. But it’s okay, because she seems the type of person who rewrites life in her own mind to make herself the hero of every story.

Literally Incredible: I’d say hemispherectomies, but I know they’re a legit thing that help a small number of people. This idea of a doctor’s “code” where no one challenges alcoholics though, or that George would not have marched right off to a higher authority figure… no. Not buying it, and also if that is true, it shouldn’t be.

Recap: Season 1 Episode 6 – If Tomorrow Never Comes

March 7, 2022 by Torran

In which we meet the nasty tumour lady who deserves what’s coming to her.

The patient Annie Connor is looking down at her tumour — *“I have to look down, young man, as the sheer force of my scorn for you would cause multiple homicides.”*

Previously on Grey’s Anatomy: Derek and Meredith! George is in love with Meredith AND keeps telling patients about it rather than Meredith herself! Christina and Burke! Meredith is legally in charge of Ellis and all her stuff now! Bailey knows about Derek and Meredith! So basically, inappropriate sexy times, George’s unrequited love (not helped by table dancing last episode), and Meredith’s mum still has Alzheimer’s. Congrats, you’re all caught up! No need to read the previous 5 (I kid, I kid).

I don’t know why we put things off, but if I had to guess, I’d say it had a lot to do with fear. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of rejection. Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision. Because, what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a decision you can’t undo?

We open with a classic rainy Seattle day, and George is struggling to navigate the hallway while carrying two cups of coffee, conveniently looking straight past the flat surface on which to pop one of those cups down in order to knock on Meredith’s door and opting instead to spill both cups all over himself. Izzie rightly calls him out on the fact that he should just ask Meredith out and find out one way or another. George insists that he’s not into her, but we all know that’s hogswash. They leave without Meredith, which is what she planned all along – she’s trying to get to work late to avoid Derek, only for him to also arrive late.

The whole Bailey thing from last episode is weighing on both of them, and she doesn’t want to talk about it – “I experienced it, naked!” (heh). Meredith is aware that the perception will be she’s sleeping with him to get ahead, and that’s going to cause difficulties. And heck, she’s not wrong. Derek says if he was a better man, he’d walk away – he seems startled by the idea that that might be what she wants (this adds more credence to my “he’s bad in bed” theory…).

Speaking of inappropriate sexual shenanigans – Christina and Burke are performing a rapid dress-and-exit manoeuvre after a hookup in… a lab? Something lab-adjacent? I really hope he at least tells one of the porters so they can sterilise anything. Seems an odd place to choose in a building literally full of beds, but maybe the smell of formaldehyde really does it for them. Yang and Grey arrive at the same time in the locker room, discussing Meredith’s woes, and we learn that the consequences may indeed fall largely on her – she’ll be “edged out of surgery, passed over”. Christina isn’t volunteering to share about her newfound love of laboratories, but she does tell Meredith quite forcefully not to end it with Shepherd, obviously seeing that her own situation is the same.

They run slap bang into Bailey and crew, and all of our interns get a stern warning about behaving like doctors and not assholes (good luck with that one). We walk into the room and meet Ms Connors! She looks like she has basically an entire human sticking out of the side of her, the mass is colossal. George asks what it is, and Yang gives him a withering glare. “Tumour.” Cue titles!

Karev appears to have developed a good relationship with a patient, in a shocking display of competence. The patient even defends him for calling her “Annie” instead of Ms Connors, saying she prefers it. We walk through what’s wrong with her and unsurprisingly, it’s the giant “mass of unknown origin” – it’s pressing on her diaphragm, and she’s having difficulty breathing. She’s been housebound with it for a year. After originally assigning Stevens, Burke reassigns Karev to Annie’s scans and prep work instead at the patient’s request. His new-found smarm is clearly a ploy to get in on the patient’s surgery, but for now it seems to be working for the patient too, so no judgement here (at least not from me; the other interns are 100% onto his game).

Bailey lets slip that if Annie’s surgery goes ahead, the interns are going to have to essentially work unsupervised for the day. These interns. Someone should warn the good people of Seattle. Christina takes a moment to accost Burke – she wants IN on the cool tumour surgery, and she’s not above leveraging her secret relationship with him for surgeries. This one, I have judgement for – it’s unfair, and if anyone finds out, it puts both of them in a very awkward position. Dick move, on both their parts!

Patient round-up – Annie’s taking up most of the surgeons, but we also have Mr Harper (Izzie’s patient), who has a chest tube in following a coronary bypass the night before. He has some complications, but Bailey is not worried and Izzie has a plan to monitor it. After a brief interlude where George tries to deny he’s infatuated with Meredith, we get to Shepherd’s patient. Edward has a very pronounced and persistent tremor due to Parkinson’s disease, and he wants treatment for his spinal pain. Meredith is the first one to pipe up with a treatment plan, and Shepherd hands her the patient.

Oh boy, is Bailey pissed about that. The interns are told to make themselves busy, and Bailey heads off to go drop hammer the on Derek in the elevator (it’s always the elevator!). He starts by calling her “Miranda” (mistake #1), tries to be charming (mistake #2), tries to defend himself (mistake #3), and then points out that he’s her boss (mistake #4, maybe a lawsuit). Bailey makes herself clear – she’s not going to report them. But anything that could in any way be seen as favourable treatment will result in Grey being disadvantaged by Bailey, “for the sake of balance”.

I have a lot of love for Bailey, but that is a bit far – and her argument that it’s for the sake of balance doesn’t feel true. If you’re that convinced it’s wrong, go to the damn Chief, Bailey! Get Derek punished instead somehow! Christ. Either way, Meredith’s predictions about things potentially going horribly wrong for her if this relationship continues are coming true, and now everyone is going to have to do some thinking about what the best course of action is.

Dr Bailey stands next to Dr Shepherd in a lift while he looks down at her; their height difference is particularly pronounced. — *“I’m not just taller than you, I’m also your boss, you know that right?”*
*“You could be ten foot tall, AND the President, and we both know I’d still be the one in charge.”*

Over to the MRI machines and Annie is about to have her scan. Alex spends a bit of time with her beforehand, making sure she’ll be okay during the scan, and basically doing some top-notch reassuring. It’s a glimpse of the kind of doctor he could be if he wasn’t intent on being a dick. His pager dies and he’s looking for a replacement battery when the radiographer remarks that Annie’s case is unbelievable. Karev takes this as an opportunity to absolutely unload all of his judgement about the patient. The tumour is a whole load of nasty, and no matter what the reason she didn’t come in sooner to get it looked at, there’s no way to justify it in his eyes. She’s a sick, warped individual, and he doesn’t know how she lives with herself. Unbeknownst to him, Annie hears every word.

Speaking of inappropriately judgemental doctors, we go to Christina. She takes a history from Annie’s mum and we find out that it was a combination of fear and shame that kept Annie away from the doctor until now; particularly as she never really had any symptoms. Yang is at least straightforward, but still inappropriate. Annie’s fears she leaves to one side, but she tells the mum outright that the right thing to do would have been to call a year ago. What’s overlooked by both Christina and Alex here is that it doesn’t matter why it took so long, unless the reason is medical. It’s already done, and all they have managed to achieve is to make their patient and their patient’s family feel bad. Who trained these people to be doctors?!

We rejoin Meredith, who is making Eddie comfortable in his room. She heads out to get some supplies and Eddie’s daughter stops her. One of the other interns (Izzie) earlier mentioned Deep Brain Stimulation as a possible treatment for her dad’s Parkinson’s disease, and she wants Meredith to try and talk to him about it. Eddie is known to be scared of it, but his daughter wants him to have some quality of life, and wants him to be able to walk her down the aisle next month when she marries. Meredith admits that she knows what it’s like to watch a parent deteriorate right in front of you, and agrees to help. I think this might be the first time she’s admitted her mother is ill to someone who isn’t dying!

The attendings, and Bailey, are clustered in a room looking at Annie’s scans. The lungs and the spine are both compromised; they can’t agree on where to start. More importantly, they don’t know if they should even operate – Annie’s survival chances are very low. But she will die without the surgery either way, and Bailey’s not sure if Annie even wants to live. It feels less like a judgement here and more like a genuine question – does Annie not coming in have something to do with her state of mind? Is allowing a tumour like this to grow without taking any action tantamount to a very slow suicide?

Outside the room, Meredith is waiting for Shepherd to ask him about DBS for Eddie. He performatively dresses her down and kicks her out of the surgery, under the watchful eye of Bailey. No time for any more reflection, though, as we immediately go back to Annie’s case. Burke is walking her through the surgery, discussing the risks. Annie’s under no illusions – she’ll die if she doesn’t have the surgery, and she may die if she has the surgery. She’s initially ambivalent (lends some weight to Bailey’s thoughts around why she never came in), but her mum is unequivocal – she’s having the surgery. Annie acquiesces under one condition: Alex isn’t in the room. “That’s how I live with myself” she snarks at him.

This forces Alex to tell Burke what he said once they leave the patient, and Burke is not impressed – not least because if you offend the patient you are 60% more likely to be sued. Karev is off the surgery, and banned from any OR for a week. Christina rushes up with the patient history, and calls Annie fatally lazy for not having it looked at for 18 months, but isn’t banned from surgery. Alex is pissed, and folks, that is what favouritism looks like. The end result is George is taking Alex’s place.

*“Go directly to the patient room. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and do not for the love of God compare her to an elephant.”*

George here gets to reclaim his spot as my favourite. He’s doing his usual patter, trying to reassure the Annie and walk her through what he’s doing now, as well as talk up the surgical team. Annie is despondent, and clearly still hurt, telling him he doesn’t have to talk to the “fat nasty tumour lady”. After all, she let it get this bad, she’s clearly not deserving of sympathy. George being who he is is the first one to ask why she did let it go this long without getting it looked at. The truth is just plain sad – everyone she knew who went into the hospital never came out, including her baby sister. She was scared, so she put it off, and now it’s 18 months later and it’s probably going to kill her.

Nope not crying. Just chopping onions. Hrng.

George tries to reassure her that she’s not the only one to put things off, he does it too. After a little prompting, he tells her about the fact that he’s in love with Meredith and keeps putting it off. What is it with this guy and telling rando patients about his lack of a love life?! Anyway, Annie isn’t having any of this. He just compared his inability to ask a girl out to her life-threatening health condition. She spend a minute mocking him, and it may be dawning on him that his problems suddenly seem very small now!

The gang meet up for lunch, and Christina makes the point that Derek giving Meredith a case doesn’t necessarily mean he’s favouring her – she’s good at her job. (I mean is she? That’s a different conversation, though). She’s concerned about the optics of it all, and insists that she has to end it. Christina is as skeptical as we all are. The rest of the gang join, and Karev is still salty about Christina getting to still scrub in. Meredith complains about Shepherd behaving like a jackass, and George attempts the most awkward asking-out I’ve ever seen on television. Good lord. Saved by the pager.

The page is from Shepherd, to Eddie’s room – he’s raising DBS as an option after all, and explaining that there’s a very short window of opportunity. Eddie’s adamant that he doesn’t want it, so Shepherd lets it be. Grey’s still there while the old man argues with his daughter about it, though, still refusing to have the surgery. His daughter walks out, and Meredith explains that yes, it’s his life, but it’s his daughter’s life too. He has an opportunity to get better, not forever, but for a while, and his daughter just wants him to try. Because awake brain surgery (potential risks: death!) is easily equatable to being told to “just try”. Sure.

Despite that ridiculousness of that argument, it clearly works, because Grey runs into the scrub room to pull Derek out before he starts on Annie’s surgery – Eddie is willing, but only if they do it more or less right now. Burke’s fine with it, it’ll be hours before they get to the spine, leaving Meredith alone to talk to Bailey. She explains that she didn’t know Derek was her boss when they met, but Bailey could not care less. She doesn’t want to be talking to her intern about that intern’s relationship with her boss, and she doesn’t want to deal with the fallout when the rest of the gang learn about that relationship either. It’s selfish and a little petty, but the point about the wider group is fair – no one will believe there isn’t favouritism.

With everyone else on a surgery of some description, Izzie and Alex are left to do basically everything else. Did I mention someone should have warned the good people of Seattle?. He bails to change after a patient throws up on his crotch, which I believe it is impossible to see without laughing, and Izzie says she’ll page him if she needs him. She’s talking to Mr Harper’s wife (chest tube guy!), who is clearly upset and in need of someone to talk to. Unfortunately Alex isn’t answering his pages, so Izzie has to run off and perform a central line instead. But she’ll be back, she promises.

Meanwhile Alex is half-naked, and making inappropriate comments to women in the locker room. He’s so distracted by his own attractiveness that he doesn’t see that his pager is out of battery. Clearly distraction is a problem; he must have gotten so distracted laying into Annie earlier in radiology that he forgot to change it then too.

All of that is irrelevant to Eddie, who is ready to blame Meredith for anything going wrong. She’s keeping him as calm as she can while Derek drills into his skull. Izzie on the other hand finds this highly relevant, because she’s on her own doing the work of two people due to Alex’s pager issues. He’s chilling in the gallery of Annie’s OR, watching George and Christina struggle with the weight of the tumour they’re retracting. George’s retractor slips and he gets chewed out by Burke, while Bailey notes that they’re going to need a lot more blood based on the size of the blood vessels in the tumour.

Eddie’s surgery goes well, and he has control over his hands again! Afterwards, Meredith gives Derek a stern talking-to – he can’t protect her or lay into her when it’s unwarranted. No special treatment. She’s still undecided about whether they should carry on, but even if they do, she doesn’t want favouritism. He’s paged away, but not before she lets him know she called him a jackass, multiple times. Even if everyone else seems to disapprove, Eddie’s all for their relationship. Heck, he’s willing to marry Derek himself!

A close up of Meredith Grey as she looks side on to the camera. — *“I’m only apologising for the jackass comments, though. I won’t apologise for calling you a -“*

Alex’s failure to change his battery has its most serious consequence yet – Izzie isn’t just overworked, Mr Harper is in serious trouble and Izzie is going to have to perform surgery bedside to remove a clot, on her own. She successfully scoops out a clot the size of her fist (!) and then performs cardiac massage on the patient. Mr Harper lives! Izzie 1-0 Death. Betcha that ratio won’t last! But it’s nice to see Izzie kicking ass. Karev is oblivious and sidelined up in the OR gallery still as Shepherd walks in to start his part of the proceedings. Annie is losing blood fast and the tumour is more complex than they thought.

Meredith settles in to watch, complete with a pick-up attempt by Alex, because of course. She admits she’s seeing someone, which is another step forward or her – she’s clearly making her mind up to continue seeing Derek. Izzie walks in to let Burke know she had to open Mr Harper up, leading to a double-take from practically every surgeon and intern in the OR and the gallery. Alex is furious, but not as furious as Izzie is, stamping his pager into the ground when she finds out it’s out of battery. Just at that moment, the tumour’s big artery blows, and there isn’t enough blood to infuse her while they make the repair. Karev sprints to get the blood while they try to save her but it’s too late – Annie’s gone. *sob*

We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug, until we can’t anymore, until we finally understand for ourselves before what Benjamin Franklin meant. That knowing is better than wondering. That waking is better than sleeping. And that even the biggest failure, even the worst, most intractable mistake, beats the hell out of never trying.

We do a quick round-up of our remaining patients and relatives – George and Bailey breaking the news to Annie’s mum, Eddie practising walking his daughter down the aisle, Burke noting that Izzie’s work was “messy” but saved Mr Harper’s life. Burke tells Christina he’s never doing her a favour again, to which she responds that what he did today wasn’t a favour given what it actually entailed. He wants to know what they’re doing, and she mocks him for it a little. Just sex for now, then, it seems. George is looking for Meredith, and Alex lets him know she’s taken, which George denies. But when he pops his head into her room later with some booze, he finds her gone – she’s stood out in the rain outside the hospital waiting for Derek and proposes a date involving a bottle of wine and sunrise over the ferryboats.

Sum it up

Hoo boy. I’m still crying a little bit. I *liked* Annie, damnit. She makes the object lesson against procrastination quite forcefully, and her interactions with our doctors really brought out their prejudices. Everyone judged her, even George a little bit. Even herself. The story about Eddie was quite touching, so that’s a plus. We see Izzie’s story again hived off on her own away from the main theme, but she’s developing some mad skills over there at least. As for the rest of the choices people made, well, mixed bag. Bailey’s response is understandable but crappy, Burke and Christina are an incomprehensible mess, and as lovely as George is, he needs to grow up and stop mooning over Meredith. Maybe now he will. Alex has started to join the interns as a group a bit more, even if they do all hate him, it’s a little less antagonistic. Overall rating: 7/10

Hero of the Episode: Take a bow, Izzie, that clot was gigantic.

Zero of the Episode: I really struggled here between Alex (obvious), Burke and Christina (REAL favouritism) and Bailey (for going off on Meredith), but if I’m being fair there’s no question – it’s Alex yet again. I need to start a league table of some sort I think.

Literally Incredible: As awesome as it is that Izzie got to do that surgery bedside, there are more than four surgeons in this hospital. In the time it took to get the patient open, ribs spread, suction in place, etc, another surgeon, ANY other surgeon, could’ve made it to the ER to perform that procedure. Sorry, Iz, but I don’t buy it.

Recap: Season 1 Episode 5 – Shake Your Groove Thing

March 6, 2022 by Torran

In which we see a series of broken hearts.

*“Look I did try to get a court to give me a guardianship, but all these activists showed up yelling something about #FreeEllis”*

Don’t be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility.

No “previously” again, so we dive straight in with Meredith ruminating on how scary adulthood is, which looks to be our theme for the week. Adulthood isn’t all fun and games, the responsibilities are myriad, and Meredith is facing up to a big one a lot younger than most people have to. Her mother’s Alzheimer’s is advancing, rapidly. The limited powers she granted her lawyer aren’t going to be enough forever. While Ellis is still lucid enough to consent, everything has to be signed over to Meredith, who responds with a faintly comical “me?” when told.

She asks the question that makes sense to her – is there someone else it would make more sense to hand this off to? Unfortunately, the answer is no (with some guilt tripping thrown in by whoever this staff member is). What would be signed over is complete power over her mother, from finances and assets to healthcare. Meredith is the only person who should really have that.

The meeting has caused Meredith to miss her only opportunity to get any sleep, and so she hasn’t slept for over 48 hours when she goes into surgery with Burke. Meredith is literally holding a human heart in her hand, but she’s so tired, she nods off for a second. Her hand slips off the heart, but the surgery is done. Up in the gallery, George is jealous; Yang is pretending not to be. Izzie walks in talking about needing more ice and chips, and they begin discussing the rapidly expanding guest list for a “small meet the boyfriend cocktail thing” that evening. It has turned into a full-blown party. Izzie promises to let Meredith know about it; George, Christina and we in the audience are skeptical.

While the gallery crew try to keep Alex from finding out about said party, the patient on the table below isn’t coming back from her surgery. Her heart should be beating, and it isn’t. Meredith is looking panicked, but the patient comes back up. It’s only then, as they hand over to another team to close and finish, that she looks down and sees that her fingernail has popped through her glove.

Shepherd accosts her in the corridor, while George (sensing something going on between the two) hangs around like a bad smell. But McDreamy is McPuzzled, as Meredith is far from effusive about the experience, responding in monosyllables. Once alone in an elevator with George, she comes clean. Her fingernail sliced through the glove; she could’ve punctured the heart. George then proceeds to give her absolutely awful advice. For anyone considering a career in medicine, I have it on good authority that if there’s a chance you fucked up and could’ve punctured a major organ, you don’t just assume everything is fine and tell no one! Cue titles!

Patient roundup! Other than heart lady, we go to Webber and Bailey, who are quizzing George on their patient (Mrs Drake, AKA lung lady). He actually seems competent for once, but Grey’s Anatomy can’t resist a bit of an anti-smoking PSA. Hey, those things really will kill you! The patient needs surgery, so he’ll be talking her through it and prepping her for the OR. Alex has a patient with severe back pain, and also serious track marks. He wants to refer to a drug addiction program and discharge. Shepherd disagrees – first off, you treat the man’s pain. Then you discharge. He might be an addict, he might be faking the pain, but you still have to treat it, and he gives Alex orders to that effect.

George talks to his patient and can’t resist prodding her about smoking, despite being asked not to by the Chief. She insists she already quit smoking, and he reassures her that he can see on the X-rays that the pain she is feeling is very much real. Contrary to the advice he gives Meredith, he professes to be a straight shooter, winning her over. Her operation is her best bet, even though they said the same thing about the last one.

Meredith heads in to check on Mrs Patterson (heart lady). She’s not doing as well as they’d like, but she’s still going strong. We meet Izzie’s patient, Mr Steadman, who is suffering from a bowel obstruction and can’t be discharged until he poops. While everyone else looks like they’re keyed in on our main theme of adulthood and responsibility, Izzie’s on a different track. Can a surgeon have it all? Will her main priority always be her patient over her personal life?

Burke is handing Yang coffee, and we’re all confused! Is this an attempt to move slowly so as not to spook her? There has been tension there. Sandra Oh does an incredible job of expressing incredulity with her entire face, until Burke is forced to explain that it’s just coffee. He’s not particularly convincing, but she accepts his explanation, and he awkwardly flees the scene. Sans coffee, which she drinks; he backpedals to make sure she took it with her. This is definitely some weird form of courtship in motion!

Cut to Mrs Drake’s surgery. They’ve got the scopes inside and Bailey is explaining the procedure when Webber asks her to check the screens. There’s some sort of weird mass, he is prodding with the scope – whatever it is, it’s serious enough to get them to change to an open procedure and get in there immediately. The issue with her lungs now, it turns out, wasn’t smoking, or a bullae. Five years ago, the surgeon who operated on her at Seattle Grace left a towel inside her. “Something careless this way comes.”

A surgical towel encrusted with blood is lifted up in front of Miranda Bailey's face, while George O'Malley looks on. The towel is long enough that it is out of shot at both ends. — *“Soft, strong, and very very -“*
*“O’Malley if you finish that sentence I will open you up and put this towel inside you.”*

Following the fact that this is an obvious disaster, Christina is put on research – find out everything she can about the surgery five years ago. George meanwhile is asked to stay with the patient. She seems to like him. Bailey asks if she is invited to the party. George says yes, because he is George. Bailey is amused. Yang is incredulous AND exasperated. All round over the top emotions, and we love to see it.

Shepherd is roaming the halls only to hear someone yelling out in pain – he looks in and it’s back pain guy, screaming out in agony. He strides off to find Karev, and tells him that when he gives him instructions, he is to follow them. No judgement. Alex tries to fight back, pointing out that the guy is a serial drug user who has been to several hospital, but Derek explains that the patient’s pain is real – he has a serious back condition. He may be addicted to the painkillers he uses to manage the pain, but it’s pain nonetheless. Karev is dispatched to actually go do his job for once.

George is talking to Mrs Drake, who is awake but disoriented. Webber has been to see her and told her that someone left a towel in here. Again, this is the adult thing to do – own up to the patient, take responsibility and apologise. George agrees with her – it wasn’t right for someone to do that to her. She’s hurting, both physically and emotionally, from this discovery. Broken heart counter: 1

Meanwhile, in a dusty file room not very far away, Christina discovers the careless surgeon in question was none other than Preston Burke. That’s a transgression all the coffee in the world can’t wash away. She takes the information to Bailey, who basically tells her to sit on it while they work it out, and you can see Yang’s unease with this. Her instinct is to get this into the hands of the correct authority, and she doesn’t know Bailey well enough yet to trust that it won’t be swept under the carpet.

Speaking of consequences – Meredith is looking ever-more tired while trying to dodge hers. Shepherd comes over to check if she’s okay, and offers an alternative to the party that he’s not supposed to know about, dinner. But there’s no time to answer, because she gets paged to Mrs Patterson’s bedside. The patient is suddenly deteriorating, and knowing that this could be the key to working out the issue, Meredith does the adult thing in a juvenile manner. She blurts out the truth about the glove and the potential that she perforated the heart to Dr Burke. Unfortunately, she does it right in front of the patient’s husband. Broken heart counter: 2

In the OR, Burke is yelling at Meredith for the manner in which she first didn’t, and then later did, confess. She’s not the main cause, as it turns out. Just as they’re ascertaining that, Webber walks in. He’s pissed, the patient’s husband is pissed, and he wants answers the following morning. He walks out muttering about “people poking holes in hearts and leaving towels in patients”, which is fair. Meredith is given her marching orders – go speak to the husband and work out what on earth happened. Otherwise, she could well be out of the program.

The interns gather to discuss Meredith being potentially fired, the party, and how they are just workaholics with god complexes. Meredith makes arrangements for her mother to sign everything over, the tail end of which Derek overhears. Ducking his questions about the phone call and the heart surgery, she asks him two in return – when did they become adults, and how can she make it stop?

Our other sexually-tense pairing, Christina and Burke, are in a small space together and I swear you can see the temperature drop about 10 degrees. She knows he was responsible for leaving that towel inside a patient. He has no idea that she knows, in fact, we’re not even sure he knows.

*“No, when you put it that way, I suppose you taking 95% of anything we get DOES sound fair enough…”*

Mr Patterson is outside, on the phone to his lawyer when Meredith approaches. He’s been advised not to say anything to her; she needs information from him in order to treat his wife. The difficulty is that anything she says now is being treated as blaming his wife – he won’t be convinced that it isn’t her fault, and her trying to get information out of him just makes him mad. His wife was in the best shape of her life having lost a 100lb (around 7st, or 45kg) in the last year. He’s done, and storms off.

We check in on our “minor” patients – Karev’s drug addict guy, Jerry, is now ready to be discharged. Shepherd gives the order, despite the guy’s outrage. He’s being referred on to rehab, and he will get no more drugs from Seattle Grace today. Izzie is busy not discharging her bowel obstruction patient when she’s asked to run the discharge for Jerry too. She asks George to go sign for the beer at the house, and discovers that Meredith has gone. There’s no time to tell her how big this party has gotten. Obviously given she handles social situations so well, they’re not worried at all…

We cut to the home her mother is in. Meredith and a whole team of people have shown up to sort the transfer of her mother’s estate to herself. Unfortunately, Ellis isn’t lucid, and there’s nothing that can be done. Meredith is understandably angry about the circumstances – this was put off way too long, and no one called out that this would need to be done until now, when it’s difficult to do it. Blowing up at the various people who have assembled is probably unhelpful, but I hope at least felt good.

Back at the hospital, Yang sees Burke being informed that he was the surgeon who left a towel inside Mrs Drake. She sees what looks very much like a cover-up in progress, with Burke demanding the whole file be handed over by Bailey. Given it’s a historical file it’s likely not digitised, and this may well be the only copy that implicates him. He could destroy or amend the record to absolve himself of guilt in these circumstances, and Bailey does seem reluctant to hand it over, but does. Yang is facing her own dilemma about responsibility – if she sees her immediate superiors potentially covering something up, should she go above them and report it? How sure does she need to be before she does so?

Bailey and Yang are both at the party, and Christina gathers the courage to ask Bailey what happens now with regards to Burke. Bailey tells her it’s handled, and to drop the subject – this smells more and more like a cover up, and Christina is clearly unhappy about it.

Jerry the drug addict is being discharged and struggling against it. In light of his behaviour, Izzie decides to call the Psych department, at which point Jerry starts trying to high-tail it out of the hospital. He gets about 3 metres and round a corner before colliding at speed with a nurse and cracking his head off the floor, hard. It’s a brain bleed, which means surgery – Derek asks her if she wants in and she abandons all possibility of meeting her boyfriend at the party, electing to do the surgery. She can’t have it all, and she is just a workaholic with a god complex. But she gets to operate on a brain. Silver linings.

Over at the house, Meredith is faced with trying to find and murder Izzie Stevens, or join the party. Christina is drinking to avoid her own moral dilemma, and Meredith elects to join her, swigging straight tequila, dancing it out on a table, and dragging George up there with them to enjoy themselves. Izzie and Alex are having similar amounts of (much more sober) fun in surgery. Alex even shares some personal history about himself – his father was an addict, and that’s where his antipathy towards addicts comes from.

Meredith, Christina and George are playing strip… something, when in walks the boyfriend. Dr Stevens is, of course, assisting with a brain surgery. She’s not there, and the truth is that the hospital owns them 99% of the time. He goes to collect her from the hospital. They chat, but ultimately, it’s not working. He needs her to be available, and she just can’t be. That final “I’ll call you” sounds a lot like “I won’t call you”, let’s be honest. Iz turns back around and goes back to look after her patient. Broken heart counter: 3

Meredith is dancing on her own outside her house, tequila in hand, when Derek spots her while leaning against his car outside. She’s drunk enough to finally give in to what she wants, and uses the somewhat corny line, “take me for a ride, Derek”. They do just that in his car, still parked right outside her house, and are (presumably) post-coitally congratulating themselves on being excellent at sneaking around when there’s a tap on the window. It’s Bailey, asking them to move the car; they’re blocking her in. And boy, is she pissed. Their faces fall, as they realised they’re officially rumbled.

Miranda Bailey is looking, somewhat enraged, through a car window while talking to the unseen occupants. — *This is the face of somebody who did not need to know that his hair was like that ALL over.*

It’s the next day now! George is fetching Meredith coffee, strolling through the aftermath of what used to be a house but is now a pretty good visual representation of the state of Meredith’s career OR Izzie’s love life (take your pick). Izzie comes home, greeting the scene with a reasonable amount of horror. Meredith is too hungover to hate Izzie right this second, and also she has that meeting with the Chief in an hour. Izzie apologises, but does manage to clue into the fact that losing 100lb in a year is rapid weight loss that could lead to an overall reduction in muscle mass.

Straight cut to the meeting at the hospital. Meredith is fighting her corner, and Burke is backing her up. She did wrong, she acknowledges that, but the history is significant. The patient was functionally anorexic, despite still being overweight. While Meredith did cause a small puncture, the fact that it then tore open was due to the health of the patient, turning what was a minor injury that may even have healed on its own, into a serious health emergency. On the other side from Meredith and Burke is someone from Legal, who is recommending Meredith be fired – by not reporting the incident when it occurred, the hospital could be left liable.

Burke is losing this fight – so he pulls out his trump card, and owns up to the fact that he left the towel inside Mrs Drake five years ago. Unlike him, Meredith reported it, later than she should have, but she still did, and knowing what the potential consequences could be. Burke didn’t report his misgivings, and as a result, Mrs Drake has been in unnecessary pain and suffering for five years. Doctors have to be able to own up without fear of being fired.

Unfortunately once you get past the age of braces and training bras, responsibility doesn’t go away. It can’t be avoided. Either someone makes us face it, or we suffer the consequences.

Final round up, and it’s a very quick-fire sequence. Meredith gets one month probation, and we see Bailey level with Yang. Burke was always going to come clean, it was just a question of timing it. Ellis signs over her estate, as various professionals look on. Karev offers Jerry a chance at rehab. We see Burke go and apologise to Mrs Drake (who I still hope sues the hospital for five years of pain and suffering). Derek and Bailey share a moment on the stairs, and she is clearly unhappy with him. Izzie’s bowel obstruction guy gets out! The big moment here is Christina and Burke hooking up – her trust in him is now confirmed, and they have sex in an on-call room. We finish with Christina, George and Meredith cleaning up her house, to which I can only say – good luck!

Sum it up

I mean, this is a strong episode. Themes of adulthood and responsibility twined really well with the patient stories and led to some real character and storyline development as well as foreshadowing potential storylines to come (there’s no way Bailey knows about Derek/Meredith and does nothing about it). They teased Christina/Burke for a couple of episodes before it happened, so we saw it coming, although it was a bit quick by my lights. We also get some more insight into Bailey – we doubted her for a minute in the middle there, but she really came through. We’ve all felt overwhelmed and afraid by adulthood, and it turns out surgeons are no different, although they should all be being sued for medical malpractice right now. The only low point for me is that neither Christina nor George cottoned on to the disconnect between the advice they gave Meredith against owning up, and the feelings they had about what Burke did to Mrs Drake. Clearly some more learning still to be done. Overall rating: 8/10

Hero of the Episode: Meredith, who at least tried to do right by her patient.

Zero of the Episode: Actually tricky one to decide, because neither Alex nor George really deserved it for once. I think it’s going to Burke, because that woman had a towel in her lung for five damn years.

Literally Incredible: Burke should be suspended and be being sued to within an inch of his life, and I don’t believe anyone who tells me otherwise.

Recap: Season 1 Episode 4 – No Man’s Land

March 6, 2022 by Torran

In which one Dr Izzie Stevens saves a man’s future erections.

*“I am a manly man, watch me slap myself in the face and enrage all my friends just to prove it!”*

Intimacy is a four syllable word for: “here are my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger and enjoy”. It’s both desired and feared, difficult to live with, and impossible to live without.

No previously (again), so we’re straight through to Meredith discussing the perils of intimacy over footage of Izzie really taking this #noboundaries lifestyle to new limits. Wandering around in her underwear and a vest while brushing her teeth, she violates George’s privacy (and toothbrush) by walking in on him in the shower, then gazes over Meredith’s shoulder as she’s sat at the table, granting Meredith a nice eye-level look at her underwear. “Hello, kitty” indeed. Meredith has signed a cheque to an extended care facility (one assumes for her mother), and after coffee, it’s time to get to the hospital for 4:30am.

If George’s main issue was just “please stop coming in the bathroom when I’m naked in the shower”, I’d be 100% supportive of him, but he goes further than that. “Me gonads, you ovaries” is already pretty poor reasoning – what, he’d be okay with Karev walking in on him? – but then he kicks off at the prospect of having to buy tampons during what appears to be his turn to get the shopping in, and no, George, that’s not it. Real men are manly enough to buy tampons without being afraid of being thought “a girl”. Just ask the many trans men who still menstruate, or every man who has ever had to buy them for a woman in his life who menstruated. It’s not a secret, or something to be ashamed of, dude. Grow up!

That’s not to say that Izzie isn’t completely in the wrong here too, though. Just because you’re okay with nudity doesn’t mean you get to walk in on whoever you like when they’re naked! The root of the issue here? It’s not a big deal to Izzie because she views George in a completely non-sexual manner, and that hurts him right in the fragile masculinity.

In a more work-related note, Bailey is trying to hammer into the interns the benefits of (paraphrasing) “not treating your patients like crap when waking them up at 5am”. Karev is needling Izzie about her modelling past, again, and picks up the nickname Dr Evil Spawn in the process, which is both fitting AND witty. Meredith is praying she’s not on a case that requires her to re-do colostomy dressing changes every 15 minutes, but Christina is convinced she’s got something good. Something surgical. Something so awesome she won’t even tell Meredith.

She winds Meredith up about not knowing despite being “the intern screwing an attending”, and Meredith bites back “I’m not screwing” only to be met with Dr Shepherd himself, bright, early, holding coffee and offering to buy her breakfast. She requests that they keep their relationship strictly professional, to which he ominously promises, “well that’s what you’ll get”. Uh-oh.

It’s time for a mini-round of None Of The Interns Are Good At Their Jobs! Christina promptly forgets everything Bailey JUST tried to teach them about being nice to the patient. Her secret patient is a former scrub nurse whose chart she stole in order to get the jump on everyone else. What makes it worse – her patient is very well aware of this fact. Over at the other end of the patient see-saw, Izzie fails to show any sort of backbone in response to a male patient who refuses her as a doctor because he saw an ad campaign she did as a model.

George is whinging about nudity still, and Meredith is ignoring him, except to wind him up about being attracted to Izzie. “She’s not the one I’m attracted to”, he accidentally lets slip. It’s telling that Meredith doesn’t for a second think that it’s her – she too has an entirely non-sexual view of him in her mind.

The remaining interns (George, Alex and Meredith) are pulled from their normal tasks to go down to trauma and help Dr Shepherd, who was pulled from his planned surgery for something urgent. And boy, isn’t it just. The man on the gurney has a series of metal nails embedded deep in his skull and brain. Cue titles!

Metal nails man (real name Jorge) can’t see, but he is awake and talking – and freaking out. He tripped and fell down some stairs while holding a nail gun. That’s some pretty awful luck. Shepherd gets him dosed up on pain meds to keep him extra still, while Karev helpfully mutters things like “sick” under his breath. CT machines are down due to technical difficulties. George suggests an MRI, which to be fair would probably extract the nails as well as providing images of them being ripped through the man’s brain. The end result? Do some research, find a way to get helpful visuals, and do it fast, because infection is a major worry. They need to know if this has happened before, and if anyone has survived it.

Christina has exactly what she wants – Nurse Fallon’s case is hers, “the institution in need of an enema” – all in the hopes of getting to scrub in on a Whipple. We learn that Nurse Fallon and Meredith’s mother worked very closely together, but that she never met Meredith in all that time. Christina also learns that there is in fact a “human 2×4” who is still alive in the building, but she’s sticking with Liz for the time being.

After a brief interlude with Jorge and his wife (“you are in so much trouble” is an understatement, really), we spend some time with George and Alex. Initially, George thinks he might get a bit of respect from Alex for the fact that he gets to see Izzie and Meredith wandering around the house in their underwear. That notion goes out the window when Alex reinforces the fact that it’s because “they don’t expect you to do anything”. They’re treating him like a relative rather than a potential sexual partner, and you can see the blow land. Alex isn’t wrong – that’s exactly what this is – but he’s being deliberately cruel.

Izzie makes another mistake regarding Mr Humphrey by not telling Bailey what was going on before heading into the room with the patient. Obviously he’s *cough* sensitive about something, and I don’t just mean his prostate, and it needs addressing if Stevens is going to be a doctor at all today. While Meredith takes a history from Jorge’s wife (she thinks there might be more to this story than a fall down the stairs), Izzie comes clean about her modelling, to which Bailey essentially shrugs. Your past is no get-out, and she at least needs to try growing a backbone and speaking to her patient. The subtext is clear – even if you hadn’t been a model, you’re an attractive young woman, and you need to learn to face this.

Meredith has come back to Derek with Jorge’s history and an inkling that he might have a tumour. His response? It more or less doesn’t matter – unless they can get the nails out of his brain, and soon, Jorge is going to be dead anyway. George and Alex give them the sum total of their research. It’s happened 23 times before, and the helpfully vague consensus is “get them out quick and watch for bleeding”. George runs off to watch, while Alex shooes him away; he’s just found the ad campaign Izzie did. True to the evil spawn nickname, he immediately opts to make a bunch of copies, no doubt for nefarious purposes.

Alex Karev looks down at a copy machine while smirking — *“See, it’s moments like these where I miss my twirly moustache, top hat and cape!”*

We do a quick run round all the patients: Jorge is in the OR, about to go under, talking about how his wife’s favourite colour is red, and how he hated the colour red when he first met her, until he had a Damascus-like conversion on the road somewhere, taking a photo of her running through a field of red flowers in a red dress. The urologist treating Mr Humphreys is determined to spare none of the nerves to minimise any chance of recurrence; this will, sadly, leave the patient impotent, but the urologist (“we call him Limp Harry”) is more fussed about his golf game, and is famous for never sparing the nerves. Christina is trying to watch Jorge’s surgery, but Burke runs her off to do more tests on Liz.

Speaking of limp – George is yet again embarrassed as Izzie dared to mention tampons in front of everyone in the OR gallery. Alex takes the opportunity to wind George up a little further. The audience at home cackle (or was that just me?).

Liz lays out the different types of surgeons to Christina – those that remember their patients as people, and those that don’t. They all remember their surgeries, but some of the best don’t remember their patients names at all, distancing themselves so they weren’t distracted by the personal stuff. Christina is waiting for the “colossal but” to drop, but before it has a chance to, Liz “The Institution” Fallon is mobbed by old friends and colleagues wanting to check in on her. Yang steps back to wait, feeling a bit like a tour guide.

The nailectomy (I’ve decided this is a word now) is over, and Dr Shepherd doesn’t think they’ve made things worse; they’ll know more in the morning. Until then, we have the delight that is Yang running around the hospital, trying to figure out why they haven’t scheduled Liz’s surgery yet. The woman’s dying of pancreatic cancer! Burke reassures Christina that “the woman has pancreatic cancer, we’re gonna do something” – but he wants Nurse Fallon to stay overnight, and Yang to stay with her. She wasn’t on-call before, but she is now!

Dr Burke looks at Christina Yang while she talks and gesticulates with her arms away from her body and her hands spread wide. — *“Look, I didn’t mind wheeling her around, but she just demanded I perform the opening from* Pippin, complete with jazz hands!”

Meredith drops in to pass on her (entirely pulled out of her ass) “mother’s regards” to Liz, who is buying none of it. The idea of Ellis Grey travelling and not practising medicine rings false. Liz’s “that’s a surprise” basically translates to “I thought they’d have to pry the scalpel out of her cold dead hands”; the follow-up of “is she well?” and Meredith struggling to respond says it all. We also get an idea of what Ellis Grey was like as a parent, and the overarching theme seems to be both uncaring and largely absent. Ouch. Nothing encapsulates that truth better than Meredith trying to get her mother to remember her family, with the aid of photos. Thatcher, and Meredith, are a mystery to Ellis, but the slightest mention of Liz’s name has Ellis lighting up. “She was excellent.” Meredith looks both disappointed and unsurprised.

Back at the Grey house the next morning, things come to a head. George didn’t buy the tampons, and now he has two mad women storming in on him while naked in the shower. I honestly wished he’d hurt himself a bit when he fell over. What a stupid hill to die on!

At the hospital, Shepherd appears to be keeping his promise to remain professional. There’s also good news – Jorge is awake, AND he can see!

Evil Spawn’s plan comes to fruition – he distributed photocopies of her advert around the whole hospital. Izzie responds by finally losing her temper, stripping down in the locker room. She’s not ashamed of her body, or her history. She’s proud of the fact that she bought herself an education instead. She rides that wave of righteous fury into her patient’s room and explains that she’s a doctor now. He needs to get over his chauvinism. The patient’s response is a lot deeper than that – he doesn’t want the woman who gave him an erection to be in the room when they make him impotent.

Yang finally twigs that Liz is in the hospital to see all her friends and die in the place she worked for so long. There is no whipple, no surgery, no hope, and she finds herself unexpectedly affected by it. Jorge, meanwhile, has bad luck coming to him – it was a tumour that caused his initial accident, and it’s not wholly operable. With conservative treatment, they could get 3-5 years. With surgery, radiation and chemo, they can get 99% of the tumour, and get 5-10 years, but he might lose his personality and memories.

Meredith drops in to give Liz an actual response from Ellis, that she remembers her very well. Nurse Fallon is unsurprised – “Ellis Grey never forgot a thing” – which can only prompt Meredith to start laugh-crying. She finally tells someone about Ellis’ Alzheimer’s, and they commiserate over how much of a bitch Ellis was.

*“So tell me, did she stop operating voluntarily, or did you have to physically remove the scalpel from her hand?”*

We start to wrap up our patients of the week: Jorge and his wife decide to get the surgery and take the extra years. Izzie is willing to respect her patient’s wishes, for a specific reason, but Bailey is having none of it. She’s a doctor, there to treat patients. The man is her patient. She can stay in the scrub room, but she’s not getting away from her responsibilities.

When Christina finally returns to Liz’s room, she’s dying in earnest. They were never going to operate; she was always coming here to die, and running Christina around? Well that was just fun, like hazing. She crashes, and Christina runs the code, until they realise she has a DNR. Yang doesn’t care – she cares about this patient, and it takes Burke physically pulling her away and stopping her to cease the resuscitation attempt. She’s already gone; it would be cruel to try and keep her alive only to die again shortly.

Fresh from her distress about her mother, Meredith goes to see Jorge’s wife Zona, to explain the personal side of the potential side effects. Without saying that her mother has Alzheimer’s, she tries to influence her patients to go another way, but Zona doesn’t care. She knows what the side effects mean. Even if it’s 10 bad years, she wants all the time she can get with the man she loves, even if he’s not himself anymore. Derek is disappointed in her, and Meredith isn’t going to explain herself. She goes off to see her mother, searching for any affection Ellis still has for her; the next morning she meets Derek for breakfast.

You take it where you can get it, and keep it as long as you can. And as for rules, maybe there are none. Maybe the rules of intimacy are something you have to define for yourself.

The only bright spot at the end of this episode is Izzie, who has stayed in the scrub room throughout Mr Humphrey’s operation. Dr Victor is still refusing to save the nerves. He’s still more fussed about his golf game. Izzie refuses to back down, and with Bailey backing her up, they essentially force him to spare the nerves and give the patient a chance at life. “What the patient wants is an erection” – it’s short, it’s pithy, and it’s very true. Plus Bailey’s joke at the end – “now you know every time he gets a rise, he’ll be thinking if you” – is a classic.

And George has come to terms with some of the realities of living with women. Izzie watches him getting out of the shower.

He’s still (rightfully) bothered about the toothbrush though.

Sum it up

All in all a solid episode! Interesting twist on the expected “you’re a model, you can’t be a doctor” storyline – focusing on the emasculation side of things rather than “you’re an airhead” is a different way to go about it. Emasculation was the key theme this week, far more so than “intimacy”. Alex’s constant digs at George, combined with his frustration at how Meredith in particular doesn’t see him as a potential partner, were ever-present. While I think someone should probably just have explained that REFUSING to buy things like tampons makes you seem like a child, whereas buying them confidently would be the manlier thing to do, at least he learned stuff. Liz was an excellent patient, seeing the softer side of Christina develop a little more without losing her edge. Clearly teeing up some tension between her and Burke, too. Overall rating: 7/10

Hero of the Episode: One Izzie Stevens, for growing a spine and saving a man’s sex life.

Zero of the Episode: Georgie-boy, you learned your lesson, but I’m still pissed with you.

Literally Incredible: I was going to say 7 nails one skull, but apparently there’s a dude in Oregon who survived 12 of them? So I’ll go with either the hospital or an insurer authorising a biopsy, MRI, bloodwork etc etc on a dying woman with no prospect of further treatment. Wouldn’t happen in the USA as I understand these things.

Recap: Season 1 Episode 3 – Winning a Battle, Losing the War

March 5, 2022 by Torran 1 Comment

In which we see brain death in all its forms, including fully ambulatory.

*“Look, I’m not David Tennant, but I AM British, so if I say ‘wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey’, can I have a snog anyway?”*

The ways of residency become the ways of life. #1: always keep score. #2: do whatever you can to outsmart the other guy. And #3: don’t make friends with the enemy.

No previously this week, so we dive right in. The voiceover of Meredith complaining about how the interns see each other way too much. This is cut over footage of the issues this is causing at home, with George and Izzie literally following her around the house while complaining about room sizes, closet space and all of Ellis Grey’s stuff still being in boxes all over the house. I’ll admit I’d probably have a bit of a different reaction to Katherine Heigl in my room at 5am, but to each their own. The sheer inanity of George asking “Meredith, do you want some privacy?” through the solid door of the bathroom she has just barricaded herself into at that ungodly time of the morning is well worth a chuckle, of course.

As is Bailey telling an indignant Shepherd to shut up while waiting to cross the road. She’s trying to put her finger on what she’s forgotten, and thankfully remembers just before Derek meets an untimely end at the hands of Fiends on Two Wheels, aka The Dead Baby Bike Race. For those unaware, this is apparently a goddamn real event that really actually happens.

We cut to the hospital, with Bailey on a classic Bailey rant about idiots throwing themselves downhill on two wheels and killing people. She does spare a moment to tell the Chief it’s race day, causing him to throw out any notion of an early night or balanced surgical board to batten down the hatches and page everybody in the vicinity. Casualties are a-coming! Cue titles!

This episode is all about competition – the race outside, and the interns inside. They’re scrapping over patients, except for George who gets to go be the Chief’s “right hand man” upstairs on the OR floor. Meredith gets a guy with some spokes sticking out of him (Karev naturally does A Sexism and then just yanks them out, leaving her to sew the guy up), while Izzie and Christina fight over a patient who then turns out to be braindead. I see some babysitting, or brainsitting, in their future.

Over to George, who thought he was getting the best gig. It turns out he is actually upstairs to do some babysitting of his own. Webber’s patient – an older, very gay gentleman named Lloyd Mackie – is dying of liver cancer. Without a transplant, he will die, and he’s rapidly running out of time – smoking will, as he puts it, just speed up the process. He’s also an exceptionally talented flirt, which comes with the added bonus of George not knowing how to deal with it and looking suddenly uncomfortable. Muahahahaha.

Back to Christina and Izzie, and Grey’s has decided to wade into the miracle/medicine debate. Medical miracles – they do happen! But that’s why they do all the tests – to be as sure as they can be, so when they call time of death, it really does mean the patient is dead. Christina is approaching this from the point of view of science, but for Izzie, you can see how much this hurts – she wants to cure all of her patients, but instead, she’s been handed one who starts off at the point of death with very little hope of any other outcome. After breaking boundaries last episode, it very much looks like she’s planning to do so again, going on a rant about how he belongs to someone. She wants to track down the patient’s family.

Now that Christina has cottoned on to how many surgeries are involved in an organ harvest and multiple transplants (you can see the cogs turning), so does she.

Christina Yang is stood in front of some hospital machinery, looking directly at camera as a realisation dawns on her regarding her patient's organs. — *“It would be a waste of life, yes. Specifically my life. Now hand me a scalpel, I’ll do the harvest myself.”*

Back to Meredith and her patient, Stereotypical British Cockney Man! He calls her a “rocking babe”, which from this side of the pond I can say with some assurance is NOT a thing we say. He also does bear a bit of a resemblance to David Tennant. (Note: yes, I know David Tennant is Scottish).He’s leaving given “the frat guy said he could go”, even though, as she puts it, “the frat guy is an ass”. Either way, he’s off in a cloud of testosterone after laying one on Meredith, which is spotted by Shepherd, who enters in a cloud of jealousy and good hair and tries to persuade her to date him. Again.

Izzie and Christina take their John Doe dilemma to Bailey, who immediately recognises that while Izzie is doing this out of idealism, Yang 100% just wants the harvest surgery. She gives them the nod – if they can find the family, and get consent, they can harvest the organs.

George is hiding from Mr Mackie, as he confides in Karev. Alex is just confused that George doesn’t want to hit that, because apparently, everyone thinks George is gay! The main point of this little interaction, other than to establish that George ISN’T gay but may be in love with Meredith, is for George to find out there’s a potential donor! Mr Mackie may be saved yet! Hurray! But only if Izzie can’t somehow talk the donor out of dying, which she can’t – he crashes. She calls Meredith in for help, and they decide to ignore all the rules and resuscitate him. Do you remember last week when we were talking about boundaries? Apparently these two don’t!

Izzie Stephens looks almost directly into the camera, having made the decision to ignore protocol and resuscitate the patient. — *“I’ll get the blood, you look up the sentencing guidelines for medical malpractice in the State of Washington!”*

George has sensibly not yet told Mr Mackie about the potential liver, but there’s a snag – the donor has an aortic injury. Without surgery he will die before his organs can be donated. They have to go higher than Bailey, so Grey and Yang poke their heads sequentially into the men’s room to bother Dr Burke, who basically tells them to get bent (“this is the men’s room, so either whip one out, or close the door”). Shepherd tells them to get the Chief involved, so they descend on George. The liver is an excellent match for Webber’s VIP patient, and after some dithering from George about pissing off Burke (“ask me something easier”, heh), Webber is on board and asks Burke to do the surgery. As the interns scatter in fear, Alex senses an opportunity, and wangles his way into the OR.

Who’s a try-hard kiss-ass now, eh, Alex?

It’s all good though – a nurse drops in with the news that the John Doe is a real person after all! They’ve found his family, and they’re on their way in. His name is Kevin, and his wife asks if there’s still a chance. Izzie takes a breath, and gives it to her straight – they can hold off until morning, but it’s bad, and if there’s still no change, they’d like to discuss the possibility of organ donation. Elsewhere, Webber is letting Mr Mackie know that they might have found him a liver. He’s crying. Webber comforts him, George backs off to give them both some space. I’ve just got something in my eye, honest.

Alex is roaming the locker room trying to get people to smell him, so it’s unsurprising that Meredith snaps. She has roommates, boy problems, and family problems! Derek intervenes to pull her off Karev before she beats him to death with her “tiny ineffectual fists”. Meredith is a hair away from snapping and confiding in/kissing Derek, but she can’t bring herself to let go, so she walks out while Tegan and Sara sing “I know you’re scared even though you say that you’re not” (yes, that one’s a bit on the nose, isn’t it?). She comes home to find Izzie and George rooting through Ellis’ surgery tapes. No! There will be no unpacking, no surgical tapes, no conversations celebrating the moments of their lives, and she hates Chinese food. For someone who decided that most boundaries weren’t worth it at the end of the last episode, she sure is putting them up now!

The next morning dawns, and Meredith is complaining to Christina about Izzie and George doing things like moving, breathing, and being happy. Christina commiserates and suggests throwing them out, while Alex complains because Yang gets to do a harvest while he’s stuck in the pit cleaning up the “leftovers” – those too stupid or drunk to come get themselves fixed after the bike race yesterday. Throw in a healthy dash of “show me your boobs” and Alex has hit peak Frat Boy.

Christina is taking Kevin’s family through donation – not just the stuff you’d expect, but the tricky stuff too – eyes, skin. Yang doesn’t say it out loud, but somewhere in her brain she’s thinking of whether it would also be helpful to render the donor down into fat after the useful organs are removed. She’s not the right person for this part of the job, yet, but Bailey talks her through it. It’s about talking about the patient as a human, and a loved one, and explaining why everything is useful. Bailey has her back, and sends her back in there to do it right. And Christina’s heart grew three sizes that day (just kidding).

Christina Yang walks through a doorway past Miranda Bailey. — *“And what do we do when they ask about the rendering tanks?”*
*“We tell them there are no rendering tanks.”*
*“Atta girl. Off you go.”*

The flirting and the misunderstanding about him being gay earlier have gotten to George, and while Yang is off learning how to actually behave like a human, George is seemingly forgetting how to do so with someone who makes him uncomfortable. After one invitation out too many, he let’s Mr Mackie know that he’s not gay, who has top-notch gaydar and already knows – he’s just been flirting with George because he’s dying, and it’s fun, so he can get away with it. George admits he’s attracted to Meredith, because she is apparently catnip, but then has a full-on no homo moment and refuses to hold Mr Mackie’s hand. Dick move, George-y.

Not-David-Tennant (apparently his name is Viper! Because of course it is) is back in the ER. He looks okay until he suddenly doesn’t – sat patiently waiting until he collapses, blood oozing from his mouth. Meredith checks his wound and sees it’s a swollen mess. Rule #1 of Grey’s Anatomy – never skip the CT! She rides up with Viper in the elevator to the OR, and (aphrodisiac jokes aside), gets to scrub in to the surgery while Alex gets dressed-down for being a tool (yessssssss Bailey).

Our wrap-up begins in earnest – the donor is said goodbye to and the organs are harvested, meanwhile Mackie is out on the table getting his liver. Izzie is hurt by the whole process, seeing the surgeons waiting as vultures, until Christina points out the obvious – every one of them represents a life that will be changed or saved by Kevin, and it’s all a part of the job. Yang has learned to see her patients more as people today; Izzie still needs to recognise that while there’s a place for hope, miracles and faith, medicine is science.

Bailey and Meredith talk to Viper’s friends, whereupon she unleashes a can of completely warranted whoop-ass on them for endangering other people, not least poor Kevin, who was hit by one of the bikers, he wasn’t participating in the race. Viper’s going to live, but as far as Miranda is concerned, none of them are “okay”. After spreading the good news, Meredith is hiding out in the locker room, when Derek comes in to tell her that it’s not about the chase for him. He just likes her. And her tiny ineffectual fists. She still turns him down, but despite it apparently not being about the chase, he’s not giving up.

It’s not about the race, at all. There are no winners or losers. Victories are counted by the number of lives saved.

We finish with some heart-warmers – Meredith talks about how it’s all about saving lives, not the competition. All the while, we see Viper posing for photos with his friends, happy and alive, and George breaking the news to Mackie – he’s going to live – and holding his hand. Finally, Meredith comes home to find Christina, Izzie and George all in her house, eating pizza and watching her mother’s surgical tapes. Rather than kick off, she decides to join them, watching as her mother literally takes a guys face off.

Sum it up

Look, episode 3 is a bit of a hit and miss. Yang learning to be a bit more human was good, but Izzie’s storyline seemed pointless other than to illustrate the fact that she’s the Overly Attached Doctor. Alex seems to be there just to piss me off, while Meredith has learned the same lesson two weeks running, which I can only assume means she hasn’t learned it at all. George’s no homo moment also a low point and really uncharacteristic. Re-treading ground 3 weeks in is a bad sign. Our key theme was supposed to be about how competition isn’t always the best approach to life, but did anyone actually learn that? Thematically felt like a re-tread of the “boundaries” question from last episode. Overall rating: 5/10

Hero of the episode: Christina Yang, taking a pep talk from Bailey and going back in there to face the family and do the things she knows she’s not great at to save a whole bunch of lives.

Zero of the episode: Fuck off, Alex.

Literally Incredible: Even in a mad, bad and dangerous bike race I find it hard to believe bike spokes could impale someone like that from a simple crash, or that Viper could’ve continued on with his sides splitting open for an entire night of partying before coming in the next day, those are the bounds of my credulity.

Recap: Grey’s Anatomy Season 1 Episode 2 – The First Cut is the Deepest

March 5, 2022 by Torran 2 Comments

In which a patient takes a literal bite out of crime

Meredith Grey is sat with an organ cooler, signing a release form, while Dr Webber enters the room behind her. — *“Ah yes, I remember my first severed penis, back in the summer of ’83…”*

Previously, on Grey’s Anatomy: sex, incompetence, a secretly-ill famous parent and George querying whether everyone will survive “this”. I assume the “this” he means is internship and residency. No spoilers, but LOL. Sure, George. Soapy dramas are absolutely known for their high survival rates.

We have Tegan and Sara! We have guitar music! We have Meredith literally pinning her political affiliations up on a bulletin board! Meredith is sick of rattling about in a large house on her own, and apparently could use some extra money (curse you, student loans!), so posts the world’s worst roommate advert up. I don’t disagree with the sentiment – I wouldn’t want to live with someone who voted for George Bush either. However, there appears to be zero mention of how much the rent actually is, which is a poor start.

And then there’s the most important line. The line separating you from the people you work with. It doesn’t help to get too familiar, to make friends. You need boundaries between you and the rest of the world. Other people are far too messy.

The interns are all commuting to work via various methods – car, motorcycle, staring blankly at an elevator full of random men – while Meredith waxes on about the importance of boundaries. For those of you who are re-watching this, you too may end up snorting out your beverage of choice when you hear this. But we will have plenty of time to circle back to THAT in the future. Meredith somehow has already got someone interested in living with her (I can only assume this person thinks if there’s no price on it, it’s free), but turns her down on the basis of being too young to remember the Challenger explosion. She also turns down Izzie and George, because they spend 100 hours a week together, which honestly, I get.

Just to add to our perception of George as the bumbling soft boy we know he is, we discover that his mother irons his scrubs to which I say – this is supposed to be sterile gear, why is he taking them HOME?

Either way, Meredith wants people she doesn’t have to speak to or be nice to, and that mocha latte in her hand for Bailey is definitely not a bribe (note: it’s a bribe). Everyone gets their assignments, Meredith wants in the OR (lol, no), and Bailey let’s them all know that no one is going to be holding a scalpel until she’s so happy, she’s Mary Poppins. It is worth noting Bailey is practically perfect in every way, so that moment may not be as far away as you might’ve thought!

We have a patented Grey’s Anatomy moment, where Derek talks about ferryboats and flirts with Meredith, while she insists she wants nothing more than a professional relationship. She tells him she’s drawing a line, he asks if he needs to buy her a marker, and then bam – patient files all over the floor and they’re kissing in the elevator. Get used to this, people, without spoiling too much all I can say is that the elevators at Grey’s Anatomy appear to be a testing ground for some sort of military-grade aphrodisiac.

We have our focal patient – a young woman named Alison attacked in a park, whose shoes Meredith seems fixated on. Burke and Shepherd talk about how much of a warrior she is, and how if they catch the guy, they should castrate him, as they’re struggling to identify something they’ve just pulled out of her oeseophagus. Well, the jokes on you guys – she already did, having bitten off her assailant’s penis as he was sexually assaulting her. Cue titles!

Title card for Grey's Anatomy (season 1), featuring the intertwining feet of two individuals having sex in a hospital bed. — *What part of these titles is the worst, and why is it the theme song?*

After a quick chat between Burke and Shepherd about how Richard asked Derek to come to Seattle, we cut to the interns. George is doing his overly-earnest healer thing again (“the code team saves lives!”), while Christina complains about how she is somewhat overly qualified to be a sort of medical USPS. Alex has been assigned to Bailey’s team now, and told to shadow Christina – it’s hate at first sight, Christina because Alex called Meredith a nurse last episode, and Alex because he hates people who are smarter, work harder and are more eager to please than he is.

It’s time for another round of None Of The Interns Are Good At Their Job! George keeps losing patients, Izzie can’t find a translator for hers, Meredith utters the phrase “well what am I supposed to do with the penis” to Dr Webber while failing to tell him the truth about her mother, and Christina and Alex lack the requisite empathy to deliver good OR bad news to patients. Christina may be overqualified to deliver this news but she could definitely use some training in how to be a human, while Alex needs to learn that women aren’t all hugs, puppies and making you a sandwich.

We discover that Meredith’s obsession with the rape victim’s shoes is because she wore the same ones to the hospital, and to cheer her up, George suggests they go do something sick and twisted. It turns out “sick and twisted” translates to “going to watch the babies in the nursery”. Hmm. This is a great opportunity for a bonus round of None of The Interns Are Good At Their Job, though, because she spots a baby’s lips turning blue and tells a fellow intern from paeds about it. Mystery Intern #1 fobs her off rather than treating it.

We discover that chat between Burke and Shepherd earlier was in the service of setting these two up as rivals – Derek Shepherd has been pulled in as a potential future Chief of Surgery by Richard Webber, who had previously promised the job to Preston Burke. They can definitely handle this professionally, right? And speaking of professionalism – Christina and Alex divide up the test results and race to the finish line – who can delight the most patients in the shortest amount of time! Meredith takes time out of everyone’s busy schedules to deride potential roommates for their taste in 80s music! (Sidenote: I love Queen and if you continue to insist that Duran Duran is better, Meredith, I will find a way to invade the fictional realm in which you reside and slap you.) George leads his little snake of code team-ers through patient rooms like a holiday camp grim reaper!

George O'Malley runs through the corridors with a team of nurses and doctors following behind him single-file, in a snake like pattern. — *“Remember, people, this only works if we all run single file at a moderate jogging pace!”*

We cut back to our focal patient, Alison, where they draw parallels between her and Meredith Grey in a somewhat heavy-handed manner – they’re both recent arrivals in the city, with no family or support. For some reason this prompts Meredith to ask Burke to intervene in the case of the baby she saw earlier, but he declines to intervene. Something about “rules”, but really this is about the fact that he’s sore that he’s “not the Chief or something”. Izzie gets recognised as a former model by a drunk patient, but also finally gets her Chinese patient to sit down so she can have her wounds sutured, in the first bit of medical competence we’ve seen any of the interns show this episode.

Meredith and Christina are outside discussing how on her bad days, Meredith winds up kissing “McDreamy” – this is the first but really not the last McEverything we get on this show, so steel yourself for that now. As they chat, a car pulls up, and out staggers a man with bloodstains all around his crotch who promptly collapses! It’s the attempted rapist! He’s rushed into surgery while the police and security are called, and they discuss his prognosis with barely-concealed glee – no reattachment for you, buddy.

Speaking of a prognosis – Burke discovers his chances of being Chief have plummeted because he’s coasting and he’s arrogant, not willing to go the extra mile. This is in stark contrast to Shepherd, who has voluntarily spent all night monitoring Alison rather than getting an intern to do it, or Meredith, who (after a brief interlude where the interns yet again complain about how hard their lives are), breaks protocol to speak directly to the parents of the baby from earlier. Burke puts his superhero cape on and comes to the rescue proving that, in fact, he is A Chief even if he’s not The Chief. He also takes a moment to explain to Meredith why going to the parents of a patient who isn’t even hers is ABSOLUTELY not the right thing to do. But I do feel for her here – she’d raised it through the appropriate channels and gotten nowhere. Institutional inertia! We hate to see it.

Izzie, meanwhile, goes so far to treat a patient who it turns out is undocumented that she runs out into the rain and practices medicine in the parking lot, where she is 100% not insured to do so! At your own risk, Dr Stephens. If this episode is all about drawing lines in your personal and professional life, we’re seeing examples of how not to do it in BOTH directions. Burke is too restricted, unwilling to cross any boundaries however real or imagined. Izzie and Meredith are both willing to cross the line despite the risk it puts them in. The only person who does seem to be any good at setting boundaries is Bailey. She’s clear on what she’s there to do, what the interns are there to do, and despite the fact that she has clearly wanted to dress Burke down for a long time, it takes him asking her for honest, no-consequence feedback before she unleashes an epic takedown of her boss. It is glorious.

Dr Bailey is side-on to the camera while delivering a rant about Dr Burke. — *“And now I’m adding interrupting me to the list…”*

We start to see some storylines wrap up, with George learning from Christina that 95% of all coding patients can’t be revived, the baby scheduled for a heart surgery in the morning, and a healthy conversation about imposter syndrome between Meredith and Mystery Intern #1. Alison’s condition remains unchanged, and Derek talks about his large family (four sisters, many children) and how if he was in a coma, he’d want them there. He can’t imagine having no one. Meredith, of course, can, but can’t let Derek know the truth about her mother. They’re chatting, and flirting, and talking sadly about the fact that you somehow go from an undamaged, brand new baby to someone beating the crap out of you, when Alison crashes! Her intercranial pressure has doubled and that means it’s time for some brain surgery.

Post-surgery, Alison’s skull-flap has had to be left open for the excess intercranial fluid to continue draining so she can heal, but Derek is confident that she’ll be fine – IF she wakes up. In a twist, we learn that Derek knew all along that Chief of Surgery had been promised to both of them, and quotes Sun-Tzu. However, Burke sets him straight – he’s not the enemy, he’s just the competition. Meredith signs the severed penis over to the police (while Webber struggles to say the word “penis”), and then gets to scrub in on the baby’s surgery! Hurray for her. One assumes Bailey is off teaching some children in London about the medicinal properties of sugar.

Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, and that’s how we’re made.

Meredith’s voiceover begins as we wrap up the final elements of the story. Meredith lets Izzie and George move in, because life IS messy, and although she hates to admit it, she is making friends with them. They’re ecstatic; Christina tells her the babies are toxic and making her soft. Derek tells Meredith that this thing he has for ferryboats is intense, which is obvious code for the thing he’s developing for her. Having cottoned on the aphrodisiac qualities of vertical boxes, she takes the stairs down, while he mocks her for lacking self-control. The voiceover concludes that while most boundaries hem you in unnecessarily, there are some that are too dangerous to cross. Is a relationship with Derek in that list? Seemingly so, but as four of our five interns wander off into the parking lot, laughing and joking, we’ll have to see how long that lasts.

Sum it up

Episode 2 comes strongly out of the gate, albeit with some questionable lessons about boundaries (medicine comes with a whole host of really important, built-in boundaries that absolutely are there to hem you in, and for good reason). We’re set up for a few big storylines now with Derek and Burke’s rivalry, the will-they-won’t-they between Meredith and Derek, Meredith’s unwillingness to tell anyone about her mother, and of course the eternal question – will the interns ever be semi-decent at what they do? (Our survey says: maybe.) Overall rating: 8/10

Hero of the Episode: Alison, who was the hero of her own story.

Zero of the episode: Alison’s assailant, who now also has zero penis with which to do this to anyone else.

Literally Incredible: “I’ve barely started this job, I should definitely go treat patients without insurance in the rain in the parking lot with no care for my career” good lord, Izzie Stevens, are you batshit insane? I refuse to believe an INTERN would do this, even if it is the kind thing to do.

Recap: Grey’s Anatomy Season 1 Episode 1 – A Hard Day’s Night

March 5, 2022 by Torran 1 Comment

In which we meet Meredith Grey, a brand new surgical intern with questionable taste in blankets.

A blue fuzzy blanket with fringed edges, covering a naked bent-over woman, photographed from behind - no visible skin — *No, really, this is a heinous blanket and now it’s all I can see.*

The game. They say a person either has what it takes to play, or they don’t. My mother was one of the greats. Me, on the other hand, I’m… kinda screwed

The show opens on two people waking up nude in a living room, which I am convinced is only a thing that happens in television and film, because sleeping naked on a wooden floor cannot possibly be comfortable. Here comes our first big Dump O’ Exposition – she’s Meredith, he’s Derek, she’s starting a new job today, her mother is very much a “was”, but definitely isn’t dead, she lives there but is selling the place, and she is a classic mid-00s Empowered Woman. That is to say, she runs off to take a shower, expresses precisely zero interest in seeing him again, and tells him to be gone before she comes back downstairs.

Honestly, if you’d had decent no-strings sex with a man that handsome, you would definitely want to do it again. I can only conclude that Derek is terrible in the sack.

Meredith makes her way to Seattle Grace Hospital (don’t get attached to the name), and we get a glimpse of our core cast, who look astonishingly young. Anyone who has even heard of the show will have heard snippets of this speech, and this is the first time we hear it. With that, we hit the title card, and Grey’s Anatomy has officially begun!

The words — *Honestly this is one of the best title sequences the show has for… a while.*

We learn that our interns are a twisted version of the Breakfast Club – a model, a hard-ass, a meathead, a bumbler and our Leading Lady, and their boss for the immediate future is the formidable Dr Bailey, nicknamed “The Nazi”. She reels off a list of five rules while the interns trail her like ~~dimwits~~ ducklings, starting with “don’t bother sucking up, I already hate you”. We see them treat their first patients and things seem to be going as expected with none of the interns managing to do anything right – and a special cringe shout-out to George’s overly-earnest “I would, but I’m a healer”. I am famously cringe-averse, and visibly winced. We also learn that Meredith’s mother is Ellis Grey, a super-famous surgeon.

George appears to have been picked out of the herd for extra special torture by Dr Burke, possibly due to him messing up an IV insertion earlier in the day – he’s going to be performing an appendectomy this shift! (Sidenote: this cannot be legal, surely?) The “main” patient of this episode, Katie Bryce, has been transferred to the neurosurgeon, who happens to be… Derek!

I mean we all knew that, you don’t cast Patrick Dempsey for a bit part, but hey! Drama! Shock! The same look of hungover regret I get when I remember a particularly stupid thing I said while drunk the night before! Meredith wants to forget anything happened and keep it strictly profesh, Derek wants to flirt and look at her like he’s seen her naked. She storms off to go support George perform his appendectomy while the interns bet on how badly he’s going to mess up. Which he does, in spectacular fashion. At least the patient didn’t die! But that doesn’t stop George picking up a new nickname: 007. License to kill.

We see the interns encounter yet more issues doing the basics of their jobs – Meredith yells at Katie Bryce, Izzie can’t do a central line and has to wake up Bailey, Alex dismisses the opinion of an experienced nurse AND calls Meredith a nurse. He’s saved from a smackdown by a 911 page for Katie Bryce, at which point Meredith strolls off towards the patient… only to find out that this time it IS an emergency! And that throwaway line of “I can’t sleep… my head’s all full” was not in fact “thinking”, but a key symptom. Meredith gets chewed out by Bailey and Shepherd after getting the patient back following seizures, and she runs out to throw up. It might be the hangover, it might be the stress, it might be bad cafeteria food. It’s probably all three.

Meredith Grey wipes her mouth while leaning against a tree having just thrown up — *“What should I do, tree friend? I nearly killed a girl, and also I think I might still be drunk…”*

It turns out that Katie is a medical mystery, even the attendings are stumped, so the interns are corralled to do the legwork and find a diagnosis. First to find it gets to scrub in on an advanced procedure. Meredith tells Christina about boning Dr Shepherd, won’t answer the question about whether he was any good (adds more weight to my theory that he’s bad), and says she doesn’t want to scrub in. Her and Christina are working together to find the answer, and while mocking Katie’s pageant talent, remembers some information about a very minor fall. The show begins its habit of Hardcore Use Of Elevators For Dramatic Purposes while revealing the diagnosis. It’s an aneurysm! Derek wants Meredith to scrub in, Christina is furious, and naturally the thought process is “it’s because they had sex”.

Not gonna lie, that would be my thought too, so fair game.

George is taught never to promise a patient (or their family) that they will be fine. You would think that would be medical ethics lesson #1 – you do have to tell them ALL the scary things that can happen during a surgery, and you are definitely not allowed to say “sign this but I promise none of them will happen”. George tells Gloria her husband is dead, close to tears himself, and is basically told to beat it. Meanwhile, Meredith confronts Derek, and is told that it was her actions earlier – managing to resuscitate Katie – that was the differentiating factor. I’m unconvinced, but it is true that Meredith really got the diagnosis. Christina was just sort of present while she worked it out.

She also gets the last laugh with Alex, providing the correct answer to Dr Webber about a patient’s post-operative complications, which Alex has managed contrary to the advice of the nurses. Webber tells her he’d have known her anywhere, because she’s the spitting image of her mother. “Welcome to the game”, apparently, because that’s the theme of this episode.

Alright everybody, it’s a beautiful night to save lives, let’s have some fun.

The last 5-10 minutes deteriorate into all the interns complaining in various ways about how hard being a surgical intern is. The attendings make it hard on purpose, quitting would be a relief, none of their parents support them. I don’t know why ANY of them were under the impression this would be easy. But, Meredith notes, they love the playing field. How any of them have ANY idea whether they love the playing field or not given they’ve been doing the job for all of 24 hours is a mystery to us all, but sure. Yang and Meredith make up in classic “not your ordinary girls” way (no hugging, only mockery).

To end, of course, we see Meredith appears to be suddenly interested in Derek now she’s seen him operate a drill. She continues to narrate, this time switching to the second person, and we cut to… dun dun dun! It’s her mother! She’s in a nursing home! She doesn’t remember who Meredith is!

Sum It Up

I mean, this is a first episode, so it is WEIGHTED DOWN with exposition. I definitely also spotted some continuity things that will get quietly retconned later down the line. It sets up a series of plot points to be mined in future episodes, and I had forgotten how young the core cast once were! They were babies. Overall rating: 007/10

Hero of the Episode: Obviously Derek Shepherd, who is bad in bed but good with handheld tools. I’m sure Meredith has a couple of other tools he could put to good use, amirite?

Zero of the Episode: Alex and his nurse comments. Let us continue to think of the beat-down he gets from Webber fondly.

Literally Incredible: Look, Bailey not telling her interns the fifth rule, then when asked, miraculously being paged, allowing her to demonstrate said rule, was cool. Of course it was. It’s Chandra Wilson being badass! But it’s not believable. I’m not saying she paid a nurse to poison a patient on cue, but it’s the only explanation that makes sense. Similarly, the whole idea of “your first shift someone who can’t fit an IV is expected to perform an appendectomy” is not credible. But it does make great television!